Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

Want to share something funny? Post it here!

Moderator: LW Moderator

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Nov 15, 2016 7:11 pm

One day, a retired old man went into the Social Security Office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. The old man searched his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. About to give up, the old man asks "Will I have to go home and come back tomorrow?" The woman says "Please unbutton your shirt." The old man opens his shirt revealing lots of curly, silver hair. The woman says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the old man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security Office. His wive replies "You should have dropped your pants. You might have qualified for disability, too!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Nov 22, 2016 6:23 pm

A young woman gets married. A few days later, her mother comes for a visit at the her house. When the mother arrives, she is shocked to find her daughter standing naked at the front door. The mother exclaims "What are you doing?!" The daughter tells her "Mom, it's my love dress! Don't you like it?" Her mother says "I'll leave you two alone and come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over." and then turns and leaves for the car. A few weeks later, the mother arrives at her daughter's house once more. Again, she is shocked when her naked daughter answers the door to greet her. The mother says "Now what are you doing?" The daughter answers "Mom, it's my love dress! It keeps the marriage spicy!" Frustrated, the mother tells her daughter "I'll give you a few more weeks." as she turns and leaves for the car. Later that night, the mother decides to try it for herself. When her husband arrives home, she greets him at the front door in the nude. Her husband remarks "Honey, what the Hell are you doing?!" His wife explains "It's my love dress, dear! What do you think of it?" Her husband replies "Well to be perfectly honest, I think that you should have ironed out all the wrinkles first!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Dec 06, 2016 7:17 pm

One night, a horny old man decides to get himself a prostitute. Since the old man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest hooker in the nearest Red Light District. A short time later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for quick sex behind an alley. The next morning, the old man wakes up and discovers he has crabs. The old man gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and yells, "Hey lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies "Hey old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Dec 20, 2016 5:10 pm

There were three prostitutes living together: a mother, a daughter and a grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very sad. Her mother asks "How much did you get for tonight, dear?" The daughter answers "Not much. I only got $20 for a Blow Job." The mother exclaims "Wow! In my day, we gave a Blow Job for $5!" The grandmother replies "Goodness Gracious! In my day, we were just glad to get something warm in our mouths!"
:lol:



~=Happy Holidays=~!
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Scaryfun » Wed Dec 21, 2016 3:56 am

:D Have yourself a happy holiday season!
Image
User avatar
Scaryfun
3DSL Admin
 
Posts: 9226
Joined: Wed Jun 02, 2004 9:27 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada.
Thanks: 2036
Thanked: 869 times in 768 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Dec 27, 2016 2:47 pm

One day, an old woman decided to ride on a bus to travel to the pet cemetery with the remains of her deceased cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver "I have a dead pussy." The driver looked at her, pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and replies "Sit with my wife. The two of you have a lot in common!"
:D
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jan 03, 2017 4:06 pm

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is known generically as Acetaminophen, Advil is known generically as Ibuprofen and so on. The FDA finally determined a generic name for Viagra. Henceforth, Viagra will officially be known by its generic name, "Mycoxafloppin".
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jan 17, 2017 5:29 pm

One day, a woman goes to a doctor and tells him that she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees to her request. The day after the operation, she wakes up in the hospital bed and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and yells "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The doctor says "Don't worry. I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this ordeal all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done on herself previously." Curious, the woman asks "Who is the third rose from?" The doctor replies "That rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new lips!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Feb 07, 2017 4:53 pm

Two farm women were picking potatoes in the field on one rainy day in autumn. The first farm woman held two potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other farm woman and said "These potatoes remind me of my husband's testicles". The other woman asked "Are his testicles that big?" The first farm woman replies "No. They're that grimy!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby BR4ZIL » Mon Feb 13, 2017 8:41 pm

Lol, keep it it mate
User avatar
BR4ZIL
Super Member
 
Posts: 108
Joined: Fri May 29, 2015 2:27 pm
Thanks: 13
Thanked: 51 times in 31 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Feb 21, 2017 6:23 pm

One night, a tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they eventually were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. The tall woman tells him "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a little person, especially with the size difference and all." The midget assures her "Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes." The tall woman did as sshe was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed three times. The midget then says with a smirk "If you think that was good, wait until I get BOTH legs in there!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Mar 07, 2017 8:58 pm

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him, he says "I'd like ninety-nine condoms please". With a surprised look on her face, the lady pharmacist exclaims "Ninety-nine condoms?! Well, Fμck me!" The man replies "Okay. Make it a hundred then."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
BR4ZIL, UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Mar 28, 2017 2:41 pm

Late one night, a little boy gets up to go to the bathroom. As he passes his parent's bedroom, he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment then continues on down the hallway saying to himself "Boy, ... And mom gets mad at me for sucking my thumb!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Apr 04, 2017 3:52 pm

A doctor says to one of his male patients, "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." The husband asks "How can we find out which one?" The doctor replies "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home then don't fμck her."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Apr 11, 2017 12:52 pm

An old woman is on trial at court. She appears before the judge and says "Your honor, I am seventy-five years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor, so I don't stop him. He begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor. Why, Your Honor, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him 'Take me, young man, Take me!'" The judge asks "And then what happened?" The old woman replies "That's when he yelled 'April Fools' and that's when I shot the fμcking Son of a Bitch!"
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 173
Thanked: 55 times in 46 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
UberLamer

PreviousNext

Return to Fun & Jokes

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest