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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Aug 16, 2017 5:53 pm

One night, a little boy walked into his father's bedroom only to catch his dad sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. In an attempt to hide his full erection with the condom on it, the father bent over and pretended to look under the bed. The boy asked curiously "Whatcha doin' daddy?" His father quickly answers "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed!" The boy replies "Whatcha gonna do, fμck him?"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Aug 30, 2017 7:50 pm

Three old men were sitting in a park bench complaining. The first old man says "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half of my coffee on my toast." The second old man says "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off." The third old man says "My hands shake so bad that when I went to pee after getting up, I came when I took my penis out!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby annoyment » Wed Aug 30, 2017 8:45 pm

Ahahaha, I shake so bad from this one :D Also got cable TV now so that I have a reason more for shaking :lol: :lol: :lol:
BTW check yer PM guard :P
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Fri Sep 01, 2017 1:38 am

I'm glad to have put a smile on your face, annoyment~!
:)

A married woman says to her single friend "My sex life stinks." Her friend asks "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" The woman answers "Once and I saw rage." Her friend asks "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife replies "Because he was looking through the window at us!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Sep 06, 2017 6:45 pm

One night, a man was on his first date with a notoriously loose woman. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after he parked his car. The fondling went on and he put his hand down in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected yelling "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" To which her date replies "That's no ring. ... That's my watch!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Sep 13, 2017 5:13 pm

One day, an 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. The old man boasts "I've never been better! I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that, doc?" The doctor considered this for a moment and then says "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry and grabbed his umbrella by mistake instead of his rifle. He was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old man says "No." The doctor continues "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" The old man exclaims "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear!" The doctor replies "That's kind of what I'm getting at ..."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby UberLamer » Thu Sep 14, 2017 8:25 am

Hahaha! :D That's another good one! Thanks
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:40 pm

I'm glad that you guys enjoyed that one~!
:)

And now, on with this week's joke ...

Business was very good at a local whorehouse. So much so that the madam decided to partition one of the larger rooms located upstairs. After the work was complete, the carpenter asked for payment but was blown off. After several weeks of calling, he still hadn't been paid. He regularly threatened "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally, the madam offered to pay him in trade. She told him "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her." The carpenter answers "I'll take you." Surprised, the madam says "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks." The carpenter tells her "I want you." He took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her asshole. Shocked, the madam shrieks "What are you doing?" The carpenter replies " I told you before - Pay me or I'll rip out the partition!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Oct 11, 2017 2:17 pm

One night during a wild party at a farm house, a woman had too much to drink and strolled outside for some fresh air. Staggering onto a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. The woman was almost asleep when a bull, searching for some clover, barely stepped over her face while dragging his penis across it. Groggily, she raised her head and says "One at a time boys, one at a time."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Oct 18, 2017 7:02 pm

One day, a doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled out a rectal thermometer from his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and says "Well that's just great ... Some asshole's got my pen!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby UberLamer » Thu Oct 19, 2017 7:08 am

guardsman wrote:One day, a doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled out a rectal thermometer from his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and says "Well that's just great ... Some asshole's got my pen!"
:lol:

:P :P :P Hahahaha, that's a great one!
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