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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby user43687 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 9:05 am

guardsman wrote:I'm glad to hear that and you're most welcome, UberLamer! I just hope that I can continue to roll out the hits~!
:wink:

Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says "I need to be honest with you, I'm going to get a boob job." The second woman tells her "Oh that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" Surprised, the first woman replies "Whoa! I'm having a hard time picturing your husband as a blonde!"
:lol:

Oh my god :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: that's another hit for sure! Thanks :D
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Nov 29, 2017 7:33 pm

One evening, a man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic themed condoms. Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces his purchase to his wife. Confused, his wife says "Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?" The man tells her "There are three colors - Gold, Silver and Bronze." His wife asks cheekily "What color are you going to wear tonight?" The man proudly answers "Gold, of course." His wife replies "Really? Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Dec 13, 2017 6:22 pm

One day, a man married a woman. Unfortunately his penis was too small, so every time when they had sex, he used a pickle instead of his penis. For seven years, he was using a pickle with his wife during sex. One night his wife suspects that something is wrong, so while they are having sex, she quickly threw up the covers and turned on the lights! The wife sees the pickle and screams "What the fμck is that? Are you using a pickle on me?! I'm shocked - For seven years you have been doing that to me, you piece of shit." The man replies "Shut the fμck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the Hell all those kids came from!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:39 pm

As two men are playing tennis, one man falls, hits his elbow and decides to go to a doctor. His friend says "Don't waste any money on a doctor. Just go inside the pharmacy down the street, put $10 into the machine in the corner wall, piss in the cup provided by the machine, put the cup back into the machine, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have and how to fix it". Curious, the injured man goes down to the store, puts ten dollars into the machine in the corner wall, pisses into the dispensed cup, returns the cup to the machine and takes the piece of paper that comes out of the machine. As the man looks at the paper, he can see that it reads "You have Tennis Elbow. Buy the following ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily". The man buys the ointment cream from the pharmacist. When he goes home, he wonders how the machine knows what was wrong and wanted to see if the machine is a real miracle worker. So the next day, the man waits patiently and stealthily collects his sister's piss, brother's piss, dog's piss and then jerks-off all into one cup. He returns to the pharmacy, puts ten dollars in the machine, pours the contents of his cup into the dispensed cup and places the dispensed cup back into the machine. A paper then comes out from the machine which reads "Your sister has Gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has Worms and if you keep masturbating like that you'll never cure that Tennis Elbow."
:lol:


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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby user43687 » Thu Dec 21, 2017 8:31 am

:D :D :D :D :D

I needed a good laugh today, thanks a lot guardsman! :D :D :D
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jan 03, 2018 4:01 pm

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. The doctor starts to explain "The good news is that your fiance has a particular strain of Gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The man's face turned pale and he says "If that's the good news then what the hell is the bad news?!" The doctor continues "The bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet.
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby user43687 » Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:27 am

guardsman wrote:A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. The doctor starts to explain "The good news is that your fiance has a particular strain of Gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The man's face turned pale and he says "If that's the good news then what the hell is the bad news?!" The doctor continues "The bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet.
:lol:

:D :D :D that's a good one to start off the new year alright! :D :D :D
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:04 pm

UberLamer wrote:... :D :D :D that's a good one to start off the new year alright! :D :D :D


I'm glad to start it on a high note!
:)

A man returns to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His co-workers were curious and asked him about his eyes. The man says "I was at church yesterday and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the ass crack of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured that she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. The next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!" Confused, his co-workers exclaim "Shit! You got TWO black eyes in one blow?!?" The man replies "Nah. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her ass crack, so I tried to stick it back in. ..."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:00 pm

In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested that she try withdraw, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three young children when she happened to run across her old doctor. The doctor says "I see you decided not to take my advice." while eyeing the three young children. The woman replies "On the contrary, doc. David here was a pullout, Darla was a washout and Diana was a blowout!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jan 24, 2018 4:57 pm

Two friends had just gotten divorced and each man swore that they would never have anything to do with women again. They decided to move to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us each enough supplies to last for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies, he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The two friends asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you guys are going there are no women and you might need this." They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader answered "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. The two men agreed and left. The next year, one of the friends comes into the trader's store and says "Give me enough supplies to last me for one year." The trader wonders "Weren't you in here last year with a friend?" The man tells him "Yeah." Curious, the traders asks "Where is he?" The man answers "I killed him." Shocked, the trader further asks "Why?" The man replies "I caught him in bed fμcking around with my board!"
:D
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby user43687 » Thu Jan 25, 2018 10:45 am

guardsman wrote:Two friends had just gotten divorced and each man swore that they would never have anything to do with women again. They decided to move to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us each enough supplies to last for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies, he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The two friends asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you guys are going there are no women and you might need this." They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader answered "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. The two men agreed and left. The next year, one of the friends comes into the trader's store and says "Give me enough supplies to last me for one year." The trader wonders "Weren't you in here last year with a friend?" The man tells him "Yeah." Curious, the traders asks "Where is he?" The man answers "I killed him." Shocked, the trader further asks "Why?" The man replies "I caught him in bed fμcking around with my board!"
:D

That one is just EPIC! Hahaha! Thanks again Guardsman! :D :D
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jan 31, 2018 11:06 pm

UberLamer wrote:That one is just EPIC! Hahaha! Thanks again Guardsman! :D :D


I'm glad that you enjoyed it~!
:)

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at a perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. She asks her friend "That's nice, isn't it?" while waving her arm under her friend's nose. Her friend answers "Yeah. What's it called?" The woman tells her "Viens a moi." Her friend asks "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" The clerk behind the counter tried to offer some help by responding "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" The friend took another sniff and retorts "That doesn't smell like come to me." She then quickly wipes her arm underneath her dress and between her legs, offered her arm to the woman to smell and replies "This is what smells like cum to me!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Feb 21, 2018 9:30 pm

Two police officers, one male and one female, had been assigned to walk a beat. They had only been out on the streets for a short while when the female officer exclaims "Oh shit! I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." Her male partner answered "We don't have to go back. Just let Fido, the K-9 unit, have one sniff and he will go back and fetch them for you." It was a hot day and the female officer didn't feel like walking all the way back to the station, so she lifted up her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After ten seconds of sniffing, the police dog's ears perk up, he sniffs the wind and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and there is no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass and the partners are starting to worry. Twenty minutes pass and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder, suddenly followed by a dozen police cars. The two can hear their fellow officers screaming obscenities in the distance. All of the chaos finally makes sense when Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Delacroix » Wed Feb 21, 2018 10:57 pm

Shit, guess now we know how the female officer managed to secure her promotions lol!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Feb 28, 2018 11:50 pm

Delacroix wrote:... guess now we know how the female officer managed to secure her promotions lol!


Hey, she knew what she had to do in order to get a-"head"!
8)

Two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool filled with huge inflatable toys. All the kids go in and play. Afterwards as they're changing into their dry clothes, one of the poor kids says to the other one "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penis is?" His friend replies "Yeah. That's probably why he has so many big toys to compensate for his shortcomings."
:D
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