Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

Want to share something funny? Post it here!

Moderator: LW Moderator

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby UberLamer » Thu Nov 16, 2017 9:05 am

guardsman wrote:I'm glad to hear that and you're most welcome, UberLamer! I just hope that I can continue to roll out the hits~!
:wink:

Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says "I need to be honest with you, I'm going to get a boob job." The second woman tells her "Oh that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" Surprised, the first woman replies "Whoa! I'm having a hard time picturing your husband as a blonde!"
:lol:

Oh my god :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: that's another hit for sure! Thanks :D
User avatar
UberLamer
Super Member
 
Posts: 265
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:52 pm
Thanks: 377
Thanked: 79 times in 60 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Nov 29, 2017 7:33 pm

One evening, a man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic themed condoms. Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces his purchase to his wife. Confused, his wife says "Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?" The man tells her "There are three colors - Gold, Silver and Bronze." His wife asks cheekily "What color are you going to wear tonight?" The man proudly answers "Gold, of course." His wife replies "Really? Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 627
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 182
Thanked: 77 times in 65 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Dec 13, 2017 6:22 pm

One day, a man married a woman. Unfortunately his penis was too small, so every time when they had sex, he used a pickle instead of his penis. For seven years, he was using a pickle with his wife during sex. One night his wife suspects that something is wrong, so while they are having sex, she quickly threw up the covers and turned on the lights! The wife sees the pickle and screams "What the fμck is that? Are you using a pickle on me?! I'm shocked - For seven years you have been doing that to me, you piece of shit." The man replies "Shut the fμck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the Hell all those kids came from!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 627
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 182
Thanked: 77 times in 65 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:39 pm

As two men are playing tennis, one man falls, hits his elbow and decides to go to a doctor. His friend says "Don't waste any money on a doctor. Just go inside the pharmacy down the street, put $10 into the machine in the corner wall, piss in the cup provided by the machine, put the cup back into the machine, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have and how to fix it". Curious, the injured man goes down to the store, puts ten dollars into the machine in the corner wall, pisses into the dispensed cup, returns the cup to the machine and takes the piece of paper that comes out of the machine. As the man looks at the paper, he can see that it reads "You have Tennis Elbow. Buy the following ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily". The man buys the ointment cream from the pharmacist. When he goes home, he wonders how the machine knows what was wrong and wanted to see if the machine is a real miracle worker. So the next day, the man waits patiently and stealthily collects his sister's piss, brother's piss, dog's piss and then jerks-off all into one cup. He returns to the pharmacy, puts ten dollars in the machine, pours the contents of his cup into the dispensed cup and places the dispensed cup back into the machine. A paper then comes out from the machine which reads "Your sister has Gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has Worms and if you keep masturbating like that you'll never cure that Tennis Elbow."
:lol:


Image
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 627
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 182
Thanked: 77 times in 65 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
Scaryfun, UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby UberLamer » Thu Dec 21, 2017 8:31 am

:D :D :D :D :D

I needed a good laugh today, thanks a lot guardsman! :D :D :D
User avatar
UberLamer
Super Member
 
Posts: 265
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:52 pm
Thanks: 377
Thanked: 79 times in 60 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jan 03, 2018 4:01 pm

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. The doctor starts to explain "The good news is that your fiance has a particular strain of Gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The man's face turned pale and he says "If that's the good news then what the hell is the bad news?!" The doctor continues "The bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet.
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 627
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 182
Thanked: 77 times in 65 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby UberLamer » Fri Jan 05, 2018 8:27 am

guardsman wrote:A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. The doctor starts to explain "The good news is that your fiance has a particular strain of Gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The man's face turned pale and he says "If that's the good news then what the hell is the bad news?!" The doctor continues "The bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet.
:lol:

:D :D :D that's a good one to start off the new year alright! :D :D :D
User avatar
UberLamer
Super Member
 
Posts: 265
Joined: Wed Nov 09, 2011 3:52 pm
Thanks: 377
Thanked: 79 times in 60 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:04 pm

UberLamer wrote:... :D :D :D that's a good one to start off the new year alright! :D :D :D


I'm glad to start it on a high note!
:)

A man returns to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His co-workers were curious and asked him about his eyes. The man says "I was at church yesterday and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the ass crack of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured that she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. The next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!" Confused, his co-workers exclaim "Shit! You got TWO black eyes in one blow?!?" The man replies "Nah. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her ass crack, so I tried to stick it back in. ..."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 627
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 182
Thanked: 77 times in 65 posts

The following user would like to thank guardsman for this post
UberLamer

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jan 17, 2018 9:00 pm

In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested that she try withdraw, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three young children when she happened to run across her old doctor. The doctor says "I see you decided not to take my advice." while eyeing the three young children. The woman replies "On the contrary, doc. David here was a pullout, Darla was a washout and Diana was a blowout!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 627
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 182
Thanked: 77 times in 65 posts

Previous

Return to Fun & Jokes

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests