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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:47 pm

A man was traveling through a town down in the South on his way to a major city for business. On his way, he saw a man having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up to the nearest bar and ordered a straight Whiskey. Just as he was about to down his drink, he saw a man with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. The man exclaims "Oh for shit's sake! What the fμck is going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a man shagging a sheep and now some guy's jerking himself off in the bar!" The bartender says "To be fair, you can't expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Mar 14, 2018 11:12 pm

One day, a man stops by his friend's house for a visit. They talk for a while and then the friend says "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go upstairs and bring me my fleece slippers please?" The man obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's eighteen year old daughters, both of whom are very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he tells them "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!" They stare at him and say "That can't be right!" the man answers "Ok, let's check." The man shouts at his friend down the stairs "Both of them?" The friend louldly replies "Yes, both of them!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:14 pm

A man comes home from a late night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife shouts at him, "What's the big idea, coming home half drunk?" The man replies "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money at the strip club."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby annoyment » Wed Mar 21, 2018 11:22 pm

:omg: :lol: :thanks:
"Hellos, plz help with this, will help backward." -weakling
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Apr 04, 2018 11:31 pm

One day, a man was walking down the street where a hooker was standing. The hooker looks up and down at the man seductively and asks "Say, you wanna have a good time?" The man tells her "Sure!" and they both rush off to the nearest motel. As the hooker takes off her clothes, the man keeps staring at her intensely. She says "Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?" The man replies "Nope. It's just the first one I've seen that's big enough to crawl back into!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Apr 11, 2018 11:01 pm

One day, a man was driving down a quiet country lane when suddenly out into the road, strayed a rooster. The man's car flattens the rooster leaving only a cloud of feathers. The man nervously pulls over at the farmhouse and rings the doorbell. A farmer appears. Somewhat shaken, the man says "I think I killed your rooster. Please allow me to replace him." Puzzled, the farmer scratches his head and replies "Okay. Suit yourself. The hens are 'round the back."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed May 23, 2018 11:45 pm

A man goes on a hunting trip. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barrel shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the shotgun and it went off, right on his penis. The man is rushed to the local doctor. When he wakes up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gives the man a business card and says "This is my brothers card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him." Confused, the man asks "Is your brother a doctor?" The doctor replies "No. He is a musician who plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your fingers so that you don't piss all over yourself."
:lol:

Hi, everybody! Sorry I was out for a long time - I was dealing with a lot of problems IRL but I'm back again~!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Scaryfun » Thu May 24, 2018 3:45 am

Life is full of problems, yes. Wishing you smooth sailing. :hug:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed May 30, 2018 8:29 pm

Scaryfun wrote:... Wishing you smooth sailing. :hug:


Many thanks, my friend~!
:hug:

A young teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother "Mom, is it true what a friend of mine just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put in their thingies?" The mother tells her "Yes, dear.", pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it. The girl then says "But then when I have a baby, won't it knock all of my teeth out?"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jun 06, 2018 11:54 pm

Three women walking down the street are stopped by a man taking a survey. The man asks "Ladies, would you mind telling me how you know if you've had a good night out?" The first woman answers "When I come home, I get into bed and lay there. If I tingle all over then I know that I had a good night." The second woman tells him "I come home, have a shower, drink a glass of wine, get into bed and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night." The third woman replies "When I get home, I take off my panties and throw them against the wall. If they stick then I know it was a good night!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jun 20, 2018 11:48 pm

While enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, a young man decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone across the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The young man jumps into a taxi with her and they go back to her place. Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the young girl if she has one at hand. She tells him "There might be some matches in the drawer of the nightstand." As the young man opens the drawer of the nightstand, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, he begins to worry and nervously asks "Is this your husband?" She tells him "No, silly." and snuggles up to him. He then asks "Is this your boyfriend then?" She answers "No, don't be silly." and nibbles away at his ear. Bewildered, the young man demands "Well, who is he then?!" Calmly, the young girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies "That's me before the operation."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jul 04, 2018 11:52 pm

A well-built, young secretary at an advertising agency wore tight knit dresses that showed off her fine figure, especially when she walked. One day, her young, aggressive manager motioned her into his office and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered ass, he asks "Is that for sale?" The secretary frowned, snapped back "Of course not!" and then blushes furiously. The manager replies quietly "Then, I suggest that you quit advertising it."
:lol:
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