Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

Thanks for livening up this thread, Adeel S. Ahmed and black! If anyone else has any mature jokes, please share!


Here's one that I recently came across...

A man had his penis severed and crushed in an accident at work. Fortunately for him, he qualified for a penis transplant. After the surgery at the local hospital, the man asks the surgeon "How did the operation go, doc?" The surgeon says "There is good news and bad news. The good news is that the operation to graft a donor penis to your body was a complete success. You are now the proud owner of a healthy penis." The man says "That's great! But what could be the bad news?" The surgeon replies "The bad news is that your hand has rejected it."

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Here's my little contribution:

My belt buckle's sex life is as frustrating as mine. We both see many holes everyday but go in the same one again and again!

[guardsman]

One day, an old man goes shopping in a local mall. Later in the day, he goes to the food court, buys a cup of coffee and sits down at one of the benches in the food court. As he drinks his coffee, he notices a teenage boy dressed as a punk rocker with spiked hair colored in streaks of green and yellow with big blue spots sitting in the bench across from his bench. The old man puts down his coffee and stares long and hard at the teenager. The teen notices the old man staring at him, gets annoyed and yells out "What's the matter, old man? Haven't you done anything wild in your life before?" The old man replies "I got drunk once and fμcked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[guardsman]

One night in a hurry to get home, an old woman takes a short cut through the park and is confronted by a mugger. The mugger demands "Give me all of your money and jewelery!" The old woman says "But, I don’t have anything." Not believing her, the mugger searched her body. His hands moved everywhere, including inside her blouse and up her skirt. Once he was satisfied that she wasn't hiding anything, he decides to leave. As he was about to go, the old woman says to the mugger coyly "Wait! Keep trying. I can always write you a check."

[guardsman]

An Australian koala bear took a vacation in London. After arriving and getting settled in at a hotel, the koala bear walked down the city streets. As he was touring the sites, he noticed several women on the side of a street selling themselves. The koala bear asked one of them "What are you doing?" The woman replied, "I'm a prostitute. Are you looking for a good time?" The koala bear says "Yes." The prostitute then asks "Do you want to have sex?" The koala bear says excitedly "I sure do!" The prostitute grabbed the bear's hand and took him to her apartment up on the street, where they had sex. Afterwards, the Koala bear got out of bed and headed for the door. The prostitute asks, "Where do you think you’re going?" The koala bear tells her that he was done and it was time for him to go. The prostitue says "I’m a prostitute. You have to pay me!" Confused, the koala bear asks "Since when do I have to pay for sex?" The prostitute says, "Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It’s in the dictionary, look it up." The koala bear pulls out a dictionary from prostitue's bookshelf and looks up the word "prostitute". Inside it he reads "A woman who has sex in exchange for money." The koala bear then says "Okay, to make it fair, why don’t you look up the word 'koala bear?'" The prostitute takes the dictionary and looks up "koala bear". The koala bear says further "Go ahead, read it out loud!" The prostitute reads out loud "An Australian animal that eats bush and leaves."

[guardsman]

A man goes to the doctor's office and finds out that his new doctor is a beautiful, young woman. When asked to disrobe, the man gets embarassed. Noticing her new patient's nervousness, the female doctor says "Don't worry. I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what is wrong and I'll check it out. The man replies "My wife thinks that my penis tastes funny."

[guardsman]

A bum walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender looks at the bum suspiciously and says "Let me see your money first." The bum says "I don't have any money but if you give me a beer, I'll stand up on the counter and fart 'Blue Suede Shoes'." The bartender, intrigued by all of this, agrees. The bum drinks his beer, gets up on the counter and drops his pants. The customers in the bar cheer loudly. Suddenly, the bum starts to sh1t all over the counter. The customers are so disgusted that they immediately get up and leave. The bartender yells "You fμcking asshole! You said you were going to fart 'Blue Suede Shoes'!" The bum replies "Now wait a minute. Even Elvis had to clear his throat before he began to sing."


If anyone else has any mature jokes, please share them! Please help keep this thread alive!

[guardsman]

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, I think that I'm impotent. Whenever I try to have sex with my wife, nothing happens." The doctor thinks for a moment and says "Make an appointment for you and your wife and I'll see what I can do". The man makes an appointment and returns the following week with his wife to the doctor. The doctor asks the man to stay his office while the wife goes into the examination room. The doctor says to the wife "Please undress and then walk up and down the room." The wife complys. Next, the doctor tells the wife to twirl around and jump into the air. The wife does so. The doctor then has the wife put her clothes back on. As she is dressing, the doctor goes back into his office and tells the man "Don't worry. There is nothing wrong with with you. Your wife doesn't give me a hard-on either."

[guardsman]

A man goes into a whorehouse with two corked bottles of whiskey and says to the madam "I'm looking for the meanest, toughest and downright roughest whore in town." The madam tells him "You'll be wanting old Lil, then. Go to the first door on the right at the top of the stairs." The man walks upstairs, bangs on the door and asks "Are you the meanest, toughest and downright roughest whore in town?" as he opens the door. The whore inside answers with a grin "I sure am." She then strips off, turns her back at him, bends over forwards and grabs her ankles. Aroused, the man asks "How do you know that's my favorite position?" The whore replies "I don't. But I thought you might like to uncork those two bottles of whiskey first."

[guardsman]

A man suffering from an extreme case of constipation is given a course of suppositories by his doctor. One week later, the man returns to the doctor and complains that the suppositories aren't working. The doctor asks "Have you been taking them regularly?" The man replies "Of course, I have. What do you think I've been doing, sticking them up my ass?"

[guardsman]

Two women are watching a movie in a theater when one turns to the other in surprise. The first woman says to her friend "You’re not going to believe this but the man sitting next to me is masturbating." Her friend says "Just ignore the pervert." The first woman replies "I can’t. He’s using my hand."

[guardsman]

A cowboy walks into a saloon, draws his gun and shoots the piano player dead. The man yells out "I’ve been itching to do that for a long time. That noise has been driving me mad for a long time." The bartender says to the cowboy "Mister, do you mind if I give you a bit of advice? If I were you I would file off any sharp edges on that gun and then grease the barrel." The cowboy asks "Is that supposed to make me a better shot?" The bartender replies "No, but you’ll see that it will make things easier for you. That piano player you just killed has two big, mean spirited brothers and when news gets to them about what you did, they’ll shove that gun right up your ass."


Peeps, help keep this thread alive. If anyone else has any mature jokes, please share them!

[guardsman]

A very popular movie was being shown at a local theater which was packed. Suddenly a woman stood up and with a loud scream, rushed out into the hallway to find the manager. When she finds him, she exclaims "I'll never come back here again! I've just been violated in the dark auditorium!" A little while later, another woman screams inside the auditorium, runs out, finds the manager and complains of the same thing. The manager thinks to himself "I can't have this happening." and decides to track down the pervert. Shining his flashlight along the rows inside, he eventually discovers a man crawling along under the seats. The manager asks the man "What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The man replies "It's my toupee. I've lost it. I had my hand on it twice, but each time it got pulled away."

[guardsman]

One day, a man sees his friend in a foul mood. The man asks "What's wrong?" The friend says "My girlfriend is gonna die from
Gonorrhea." The man tells his friend "Don't worry. People don't die from Gonorrhea these days." His friend replies "They do when
they give it to me!"

[guardsman]

Two convicted drug dealers are sentenced by a judge to 250 hours of community service instead of five straight years in prison on the condition that they get drug addicts in a drug rehabilitation center off of their addiction. The judge tells them "You must explain to those poor addicts the evils of drug abuse. If some of them become free of their addiction after your community service, your sentence will be commuted as time served. If all of them are still addicted, you will serve the remainder of your time in prison. I will wait for each one of your reports after the service". The two drug dealers carry out the judge’s wishes and return to him at the end of their community service. The judge asks the first drug dealer "How did it go?" The first man says "I managed to get thirty people off drugs". The judge asks "How did you manage that?" The first man says "I drew two circles: One large and one small. I told them the large circle was the size of their brain before drugs, and the small circle was what their brain would be like after taking drugs." The judge then asks the second drug dealer how he did. The second man says "I got three hundred people off drugs." Astonished, the judge says "That's amazing! How did you manage that?" The second man replies "I drew two circles: One large and one small. I told them that the small circle was the size of their asshole before going into prison for drugs ..."