Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

A week into her honeymoon with her new husband, a young bride, looking totally exhausted, staggered downstairs to have breakfast in the hotel's restaurant. The waitress looks at the young bride and says "How are you? You don’t look so good. Aren’t you the young bride with the older husband?" The bride replies "Yes I am. He’s seventy-five but I’ve discovered that he’s pulled a terrible trick on me. When he told me he had saved up for fifty years, I thought he was talking about money."

[guardsman]

Having regrets after having a big, silly argument with his wife, a man gets his penis tattooed with the words "I love you." At night in bed, he shows his wife the tattoo and says "Honey, I'm sorry for the silly argument that we had. What do you think of this?" The wife looks at the tattoo and screams "There you go again, trying to put words into my mouth!"

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Little Johnny brings his cat to his school. Teacher asks him, "Why did you bring your cat here?". Sobbing heavily, little Johnny replies: "This morning, I heard my father telling my mother that I'm gonna eat that pussy, once Johnny leaves for the school".


On an unrelated note: This 1st of August, I turned 18.

[guardsman]

...This 1st of August, I turned 18.

Congratulations, my son... You are now a man.


A man was watching his wife put her bra on. Disappointed about the size of her breasts, he sneers "I don’t know why you bother, it’s not as if you’ve got anything to put in it." His wife replies "Fμck off! I don’t complain when I’m ironing your underwear!"

[Molitor]

A man decides to buy a present for his lover. After hours of thinking, he finally chooses to buy her a pair of gloves for the approaching winter. He asks his lover's sister to help him in his choice, and the young woman gratefully accepts to go to the shopping mall with him.
The young man buys a pair of really beautiful gloves, and the young woman buys on her side a pair really naughty silk panties. But, the employees mix up the two presents when gift-wrapping them. The man then sends his present to the woman of his dreams, with the following note:

I finally chose this present because I realized that you didn't have the habit of wearing them when going out. If your sister hadn't suggested me those, I'd have chosen a quite longer model, with buttons, but she told me herself preferred the short models because it was much easier to take them off.
The texture could seems delicate, but the vendor told me she was wearing them since at least three weeks and they weren't dirty at all. I asked her to try the model, and I have to admit they were really suiting her well.
I am terribly sorry not to be with you when you'll be wearing them for the first time, to help you pull them on. I unfortunately have to accept the fact other people will be touching them before I can even see you. By the way, the vendor have me an advice: after taking them off, one should blow into them, because they tend to get damp when wearing them for a long time. And, in order to give you the patience until we meet again, just imagine the number of times my lips will be brushing against them in the coming year...
I hope you will be wearing them for me Friday night.

With all my love

P.S: According to the latest fashion, you should wear them slightly folded, so we can see some fur.

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

...This 1st of August, I turned 18.

Congratulations, my son... You are now a man.

------

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

[guardsman]

Great jokes guys! Keep them coming!


Now for my contribution for this week...

The morning after a company party, a man struggles with his hangover over breakfast in the dining room. He asks his wife "Honey, I feel really sick. Last night, did I get dead drunk and make an ass of myself at the party?" His wife answers "You sure did. You put your hand up the skirt of your boss' wife and told him to piss off." Shocked, the man screams "Sh1t! What happened?" His wife says "He fired you." The man says "Fμck him. That bastard." His wife replies "I did. And you got your job back."

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

They say that when a women hits you: it's her way of flirting. I just grabbed this girl's ass and she flirted me square in the balls.

[guardsman]

...she flirted me square in the balls.

Ouch.


Speaking of balls and related attachments...

In a passenger train on a long journey, a man walks into a car partially occupied by a woman and a baby. The man sits down on the bench across from the woman, notices the baby and tells the woman "What a cute baby." The woman says "Thank You. She's special to me since I waited for her to arrive after ten years of marriage." The man says "Your patience has been rewarded. It's sort of like what happened to me. I breed racing pidgeons and it took me fifteen years before I produced champions." The woman asks "Why is that?" The man answers "Oh, I finally changed the cΩck." The woman replies "That's what I did too!"

[guardsman]

A blind man stood at the edge of the sidewalk waiting to cross the street. All the while, his new guide dog pees all over the side of one of his legs. The man immediately takes out a biscuit from his pocket and gives it to the dog. A passerby turns to the blind man and says "That’s very kind of you, considering that he just soaked your leg." The blind man replies "Not really. I’m just trying to find out where his mouth is so that I can kick him in the balls."

[guardsman]

Three brothers are left their father’s business in his will. The oldest son says "I’m going to be the chairman since dad left me with forty nine percent of the stock shares." The second oldest son says "Fine. I’ll be in charge of operating the day by day business of the company since I’ve got thirty one percent of the shares." The third and youngest son asks "What about me? I’ve got twenty percent of the shares?" The other two brothers confer between themselves and then answer "We’ve decided that you can be in charge of sexual matters." Confused, the youngest brother says "What does that mean?" Both older brothers reply "When we want your fμcking advice, we’ll ask for it."

[guardsman]

There was a terrible car accident resulting in a sports car hitting a roadside tree and badly injuring the two passengers, a man and a woman. When the ambulance arrived, the man was screaming hysterically. One of the paramedics on the scene says to the man "Try and calm down, Sir. We’ll try to figure out what’s wrong. At least you weren’t flung through the windshield like your girlfriend over there." The man looks over to where his girlfriend was laying and then screams "Have you NOT seen what she has in her mouth?!"

[guardsman]

One day, an old man and his grandson go fishing. During lunch, the old man opens a can of beer. The grandson asks "Can I have some, Grandpa?" The old man says "I'll give you some beer only if your willy can touch your backside. Now, can it do that?" Disappointed, the grandson answers "No, Grandpa." The old man then tells him "Then you can’t have any beer." Later on, the old man takes out his cigarettes. The grandson asks "Can I have one, Grandpa?" His grandpa responds "Can your willy touch your backside?" Again, the grandson answers "No." So the old man says "Then it’s no to a cigarette for you." On the way home, they pass a newspaper stand and each of them buys a scratch-off lottery ticket. The old man wins nothing but the grandson wins $2,000. The old man asks "Are you going to share some of your winnings with me, son?" The grandson says "I tell you what grandpa - Can your willy touch your backside?" The old man proudly answers "It sure can!" The grandson replies "Then go fμck yourself!"

[guardsman]

Little Red Riding Hood was innocently walking through the woods when she was suddenly attacked by the Big Bad Wolf. The wolf laughs out "At last, at last. I’m going to eat you all up." Little Red Riding Hood replies "Aw, shit! Doesn’t anyone fμck these days?"

[guardsman]

A man went to the dentist's office with a raging toothache. The dentist examines the man's tooth, takes a hold of his drill and says "It’ll have to come out immediately." Suddenly, the man grabs a hold of the dentist’s balls and replies "We’re not going to hurt each other, are we?"


If anyone else has any adult jokes, please share them. Please help keep this thread alive! Thanks!