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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Sep 22, 2015 5:16 pm

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast to his dog and drinks while his dog using both paws to hold his own glass, drinks. The lady bartender is surprised and asks "Can your dog perform other tricks?" The man replies "Of course. He can even satisfy a woman." Curious to know more, the lady bartender leads the man and his dog into a little room above the bar. She strips naked with full expectation and lies down, spread eagle, on the bed. The dog looks at the naked woman with a blank stare and does nothing. Pissed, the man shouts at the dog "Okay you stupid mutt. Pay attention. Just one more time. Let me show you how it's done!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Sep 29, 2015 2:10 pm

A man goes into a post office to pick up a package on his birthday. So far, he is having a great day. When he gets to the service counter, he tells the female clerk "Today is my birthday!" The female clerk says "Happy Birthday. How old are you?" The man proudly answers "I'm 33 today." The man takes his package, leaves the post office and waits for the bus outside. A few minutes later, an old woman stands beside the man on line to wait for the bus. The man tells her "Today is my birthday!" The old woman says "Happy Birthday, young man. I can tell you how old you are by fondling your balls." Surprised at what he just heard, the man says "There's no way I'm letting you touch my balls." The old woman shrugs her shoulders and says "Too bad. I guess that you'll never know if I can do it." A few moments later, the man lets his curiosity get the better of him and decides to let the old woman grope his balls. The two go behind an alley and the old woman fondles the man's balls for five minutes. Afterwards, the old woman says "You're exactly 33 years old." Shocked at her prowness, he asks "How the fμck did you know that?" The old woman replies "I was standing behind you in line at the post office."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Oct 06, 2015 4:51 pm

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a professional golf instructor at a local country club. The two meet the golf pro and head onto the driving range. The husband goes up to play first. He swings and hits the ball one hundred yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows his instructions and hits the ball three hundred yards. The golf pro exclaims "Excellent!" The wife takes her turn next. Her ball goes thirty yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Try holding the club like you hold your husband's penis." The wife swings and the ball goes ten yards. The golf pro tells her "Not bad. Now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Oct 13, 2015 3:28 pm

A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. While looking at the meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken. The woman picks up one wing, sniffs it for freshness, picks up the other wing, sniffs it, then picks up one leg, sniffs it and finally picks up the second leg and sniffs it. Just as she finishes sniffing the second leg, the butcher walks up to her and says "Lady, could YOU pass such a test?!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Oct 20, 2015 4:09 pm

A man goes into a bar and tells the bartender "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can piss into one of your cups from across the room." The bartender looks at the man as though the man was crazy but thinking that is would be easy money, agrees to the bet. The bartender sets up a glass cup on the bar as the man goes across the room and unzips his fly. The man pisses everywhere - all over the floor, on customers, on tables and on the bartender but fails to land one drop in the cup. The man then walks back to the bartender who is laughing his ass off as he says "You were way off! Time to pay up!" The man pays the money to the bartender and laughs hysterically. Confused, the bartender asks "What are you laughing about? You just lost a thousand dollars. The man points to one of the customers and says "You see that guy over there? Well, I bet him ten thousand dollars that I could piss all over your bar, on you and make you laugh afterwards."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Oct 28, 2015 7:07 pm

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife. He turns to her, grabs her tits and says "Honey, if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". He then grabs her pussy and tells her "Honey, if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". The wife turns to him, smiles, grabs his penis and says "Honey, if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother."
:lol:

Please help keep this thread alive! If anyone else has any adult jokes, please share them. Thanks!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Nov 03, 2015 8:24 pm

Three explorers are captured by tribesmen in a remote jungle. The chief tells the explorers that they are going to be punished for intruding into tribal territory. He calls the first explorer before the tribe and asks him "Death or Booka?!". Since the first explorer doesn't want to die, he says "I'll choose booka." The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dances around in a frenzy. The chief then rips the first explorer's pants off and fμcks him hard in the ass. The chief then calls the second explorer to the front and asks him "Death or Booka?!" Not wanting to die either, the second explorer selects booka. The tribe again screams BOOKA! and dances around in a frenzy. The chief also rips the second explorer's pants off and fμcks him hard in the ass. Finally, the chief calls the third explorer up front and asks "Death or Booka?!". The third explorer has a little more self respect and thinks that death would be preferable to being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death. The chief then turns to the tribe and screams "Death by Booka!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Nov 10, 2015 8:19 pm

Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch. The first hillbilly says "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got 'lectricity!" The second hillbilly says "My wife is stupider than yers. Yesterday, she brung home a new dishwasher and we ain't even got runnin' water!" The third hillbilly says "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday, I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table. Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin out there." The other two hillbillies ask "How's that make her stupid?" The third hillbilly replies "Well fer starters, she ain't even got a peenus!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Nov 17, 2015 3:10 pm

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asks the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husband's legs?" The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?" The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those two round things about fifteen inches from the head of the penis?" The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"
:lol:

Bonus joke:
Being a penis is hard - Wherever you are, two nuts always hang out with you and the neighbor behind you is an asshole!
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Nov 24, 2015 4:07 pm

One day, a man read that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act, so he decided to try it out. The man spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it at work. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, the man pulled his truck over on the side of the highway, got out and crawled underneath and pretended that he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, the man opened his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick pull at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, the man kept his eyes shut and asked "What?" A voice answered "Sir, this is the police. What's going on down there?" The man says "I'm just checking out the rear axle - It's busted." The policeman replies "You might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Dec 01, 2015 6:05 pm

One day, a man took his pregnant wife to a doctor. The doctor examined her and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The wife would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned the man though that there was a slight glitch in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by a factor of ten times and that if the pain became too much to bear, the man should let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and that he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40%, 60%, 80% and finally to 100% of the range with the pain factor times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared bewildered at the man, astonished at how he could not even have flinched with that much pain inflicted upon him. The couple then took the new baby home. As they approached their home, they saw the mailman dead on their front step.
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Dec 08, 2015 1:42 pm

There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country, near a farmhouse. One day, Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because the two larger moles were blocking the hole. Baby mole said "The only thing I smell is molasses [mole^asses]."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Thu Dec 17, 2015 7:17 am

A handsome man walks into a singles bar, orders a drink and takes a seat. During the course of the evening, the handsome man tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar but does not have any luck. Suddenly, a really ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar and within seconds is surrounded by a lot of women. Very soon, he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women in the bar. Disheartened by all this, the handsome man asks the bartender "I gotta ask you about that really ugly guy that just came in here and left with those two gorgeous ladies - What's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but haven't been able to hook up all night. What the fμck is going on?" The bartender replies "I don't know how he does it but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink and just sits there licking his eyebrows with his unusually long tongue."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Dec 22, 2015 1:56 pm

A man was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving their home. The wife says "The last time you went out with your friends, you got so drunk that you threw up all over your shirt." The man answers "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!" After begging his wife for an hour, the man finally got his wife's approval to go out with his friends as long as he didn't drink. The man met up with his friends at the local bar and proceeded to get wasted. After about three hours of drinking, the man barfs all over his shirt. The man yells "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!" The man's best friend gave him an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. His friend says "Relax. All you got to do is have a twenty dollar bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of throwing up all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned." Later when the man walks into his house with money in hand, he can see that his wife was waiting for him angrily in the living room. The wife yells "I knew that your drunk ass would spew booze all over that new shirt!" In his defense, the man answers "Honey, please let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned." As the wife snatches the money out of his hand, she notices that he is holding another twenty dollar bill. She sternly asks "Is that so? Then where did the other twenty dollar bill come from?" The man replies "Oh, That's from the guy who shit inside my pants."
:lol:

Happy Holidays!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Dec 29, 2015 3:24 pm

A senile old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the hallway in her wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall, an old man jumps out of his room and says "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I please see your driver's license?" Bewildered, the old lady digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. The old man looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the hallway, she goes again. Again, the old man jumps out of his room and says "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there. Can I please see your registration?" Confused, she digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. Again, the old lady zooms off up and down the hallway weaving all over. As she comes by the old man's room again he jumps out but this time, he is naked and has an erection. The old lady in the wheel chair looks at him and says "Oh no! ... Not the Breathalyzer again!"
:lol:
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