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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jul 27, 2016 12:29 pm

A bear and a rabbit who both lived in the same forest didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods from opposite sides, they each simultaneously came across a magical golden frog. They were amazed when the golden frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone but when he did, he would always grant them six wishes. He told them that they could have three wishes each. The bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. After thinking for a while, the rabbit wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately and he placed it on his head. The bear was shocked by the rabbit's wish but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were also females. The frog granted his wish. The rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Once more shocked, the bear could not believe his eyes and Complained to the frog that the rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have better used for himself. Shaking his head in disgust, the bear made his final wish which was that all the other bears in the world were females, leaving him as the sole male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done and then they both turned to the rabbit for his last wish. The rabbit revved up the engine, thought for a second and then replies "I wish that the bear was gay!" and drove off as fast as he could!
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Aug 02, 2016 3:16 pm

Three men were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over one hundred beautiful women. They started to get friendly with all of the women when suddenly the Sheik came in. In an angry voice, the sheik says "I am the master of all these women! No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today! You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession in life." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. The first man says "I'm a policeman." The sheik tells him "Then we will shoot your penis off!" He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. The second man answers "I'm a firemen." The sheik tells him "Then we will burn your penis off!" Finally, he asked the last man "What do you do for a living?" The last man replied with a big grin "I'm a party balloon salesman!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Aug 09, 2016 7:20 pm

One day, Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely. God asked Adam "What is troubling you?" Adam answers "Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to." God said "I will create a companion for you and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes. She will always agree with every decision that you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to awake in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit that she was wrong whenever you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behavior or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and don’t have time for any nonsense." Excited, Adam asked God "What will this 'woman' cost me?" God tells Adam "It will cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thinks for a minute and replies "What can I get for just a rib?"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Aug 16, 2016 6:08 pm

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jeeves, the night off. She told him that they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. Later that evening, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party so she came home alone early. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jeeves by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She turned to him and said, in a tone that she knew he must obey "Jeeves, I want you to take off my dress." he did so, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jeeves," she continued "Now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jeeves silently obeyed. "Now Jeeves, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jeeves obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Aug 23, 2016 4:34 pm

For homework, a teacher told her her students to ask their parents what is government. When one of her students, a boy, got home later in the evening, he went to his father after dinner and asked "Dad, What is government?" The father thought for a while and tells him "Look at it this way: I'm the President, your mom is Congress, our maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby sister is the future." Confused, the boy says "I still don't get it." His father answers "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better." The boy says "Okay. Good night." and went off to bed. Later in the middle of the night, the boy was awakened by his baby sister's crying. He went to his baby sister's crib and found that she had pooped in her diaper. The boy went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were awake. Through the keyhole he saw his mom snoring loudly but his dad wasn't there. On a hunch, he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the keyhole of the maid's room, he saw his dad having sex with the maid. The boy was shocked but then he just realized something and yells through the door "Hey dad! Now I understand what is government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Aug 30, 2016 4:30 pm

A little boy and his Grandfather were raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to crawl back into its hole. The little boy says "I bet I can put that worm back into that hole, grandpa." The grandfather answers "I'll bet you five dollars that you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back into that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. He then slides the worm back into the hole. Astonished, the grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. Confused, the little boy says "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies "I know. That's from your grandma."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Sep 06, 2016 4:24 pm

A little old lady goes into the supermarket to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. She says to the store manager, "Pardon me, sir but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" The store manager points out the top shelf brand and answers "Well, this the softest, deluxe brand. It is as soft as a baby's bottom. It is $1.50 per roll." He grabs one from the middle shelf and says "This one is nice and fairly soft, strong but gentle and it is $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our 'No Name' brand and it's 20 cents per roll." The old lady tells him "Give me the 'No Name' one." About a week later the old lady returns to the supermarket, sees the manager and says "Hey! I've got a name for your 'No Name' toilet paper. I call it 'John Wayne'." The manager asks "Why?" The old lady replies "Because it's rough, tough and doesn't take shit from anybody!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Sep 13, 2016 8:00 pm

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers says "Tonight's gonna be a good night, I smell cοck in the air." The other hooker looks at her and replies "Nah, I just burped."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Sep 21, 2016 7:10 pm

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering but to no avail. Finally, he goes to a world famous doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. The reason for your condition is that your penis is twelve inches long and weighs so much that it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter." The man asks "What's the cure, doc?". The doctor tells him "We have to cut off six inches." The man thinks long about it and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success and the man stops stuttering. Two months later, the man calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the six inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him and his love life has gone down the toilet. He wants the doctor to operate to restore the six inches. Not hearing any response on the line, the man yells "Hey doc! Didn't you hear me? I want my six inches back!" Finally, the doctor replies "F-f-fuck Y-y-you!
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby BR4ZIL » Wed Sep 28, 2016 4:52 am

guardsman wrote:A little old lady goes into the supermarket to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. She says to the store manager, "Pardon me, sir but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" The store manager points out the top shelf brand and answers "Well, this the softest, deluxe brand. It is as soft as a baby's bottom. It is $1.50 per roll." He grabs one from the middle shelf and says "This one is nice and fairly soft, strong but gentle and it is $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our 'No Name' brand and it's 20 cents per roll." The old lady tells him "Give me the 'No Name' one." About a week later the old lady returns to the supermarket, sees the manager and says "Hey! I've got a name for your 'No Name' toilet paper. I call it 'John Wayne'." The manager asks "Why?" The old lady replies "Because it's rough, tough and doesn't take shit from anybody!"
:lol:


And here i was expecting it to be called Clint Eastwood (cause its a man with No Name!) :P

Good stuff :)
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Oct 04, 2016 6:03 pm

BR4ZIL wrote:...And here i was expecting it to be called Clint Eastwood (cause its a man with No Name!) :P

Good stuff :)


I'm glad that you enjoyed the joke, BR4ZIL. If the toilet paper was called Clint Eastwood then I'd have to try it out for myself to determine if the stuff turns out to be "The Good, the Bad OR the Ugly" kind!
:lol:

Anywayz ...

One night, two married men are out drinking. The first man turns to his friend and says "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His friend looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach." Confused, the mans asks "How so?" His friend replies "I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say 'How about a blowjob?' and she's always sound asleep!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Oct 11, 2016 11:17 pm

A married couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The wife's biggest fear was that there was no Heaven. After a long life together, the husband was the first to pass on and true to his word, he made contact. In a whispering voice he says "My love ..., My love ..." Awestruck the wife responds "Is that you honey?" He answers back "Yes. I have come back like we agreed." The wife asks "Well, what is it like?" The husband tells his tale: "When I get up in the morning, I have sex then I have breakfast. Afterwards, I have sex again then I bathe in the sun followed by having sex twice more. I then eat lunch which is followed by having sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And finally, I repeat everything all over again the next day." So happy, the wife says "Oh honey, you surely must be in Heaven." The husband replies "Hell no! I've been reincarnated as a rabbit in Kansas."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Oct 19, 2016 4:33 am

A young man rents an apartment and goes down to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young woman comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The man smiles at the young woman, so she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe lips open and it's quite obvious that she is not wearing anything underneath the robe. The man breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she anxiously places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming." The man follows her into her apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, the man stammers, clears his throat several times and finally squeaks out "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!" Shocked, the woman says "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag and they're 100% natural! My ass is firm, doesn't sag and has no cellulite! So why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?" The man clears his throat once again and replies "Because, when we were in the hallway and you said that you heard someone coming [Cumming] - That was me!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:05 pm

For this week only, instead of a joke - I present to you a poem, my good folk:

Seven wise men, creative and fine, created a pussy of their own design.
The first was a carpenter, strong and bold. With a chisel and hammer, he gave it a hole.
The second was a butcher, quick with his wit. With a sharp knife, he gave it a slit.
The third was a hunter, short and stout. With a piece of fox fur, he lined it without.
The fourth was a tailor, tall and thin. With a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
The fifth was a fisherman, nasty as Hell. He threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
The sixth was a preacher, his name was McGee. He blessed it, touched it and said it could pee.
The seventh was a sailor, a dirty little runt. He sucked it, fμcked it and called it a cunt!
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Nov 08, 2016 6:18 pm

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. While tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Do you know that fur coat that you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money! Remember that new car which you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money! That emerald necklace that you also promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money." Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she says "Remember that blow job that I promised you? Here it comes!"
:lol:
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