Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

A man was obsessed by the beautiful secretary in his office. He desperately wanted to kiss her and touch her body. One day, he found the courage to speak to her: "I think you're so gorgeous! If I paid you $300, would you go into the storeroom with me and let me kiss you and rub my hands up and down your body?" The secretary agreed and they disappeared into the storeroom. For the next ten minutes, the man showered her with kisses, slowly unbuttoned her blouse and ravished her breasts. However, during the entire time he kept muttering "I don't know, I don’t know." When he was done, the secretary asks "Why did you keep saying 'I don't know?' during the whole time?" The man replies "Well, I don’t know how I’m going to pay you!"

[guardsman]

A married couple was in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but her husband decided to read. After a minute the husband stopped, put his hand between his wife's legs and fondled her. Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightgown. The husband asks "What are you doing that for?" The wife answers "Well, after what you've just done, I thought you wanted to have sex." Her husband says "Oh, not at all." The wife then asks "Then why were you playing with my pussy?" The husband replies "My mouth is dry and I couldn't turn the pages of my book."

[guardsman]

A midget went into a whorehouse to be serviced. Since he seemed like an undesirable prospect, the prostitutes had to draw straws to see who would have to do the deed. Afterwards, the unlucky girl went upstairs with him. A few moments later, a loud scream could be inside the girl's room. When the other girls ran upstairs to her room, they found a shocking scene: The midget was standing next to the girl naked and sporting the longest detective the girls had ever seen. After a moment of astonished silence, one of the girls says "We've never seen anything so big before! Do you mind if we touch it?" The midget replies "No. Go ahead but whatever you do, no sucking - I used to be 6 foot 5 inches tall."

[guardsman]

A midget went into a whorehouse to be serviced. Since he looked like an undesirable prospect, the prostitues had to draw straws to see who would have to do the "deed". Afterwards, the unlucky girl went upstairs with him. A few moments later, a loud scream could be heard inside the girl's room. When the other girls ran upstairs to her room, they found a shocking scene: The midget was standing next to the girl naked and sporting the longest penis the girls had ever seen. After a moment of surprised silence, one of the girls says "We've never seen anything so big before! Do you mind if we touch it?" The midget replies "No. Go ahead but whatever you do, no sucking - I used to be 6 foot 5 inches tall."

[guardsman]

An idiotic looking man knocks at the door of a whore house and timidly asks the madam for a girl to have some kinky sex with him. The madam carefully exams him from head to toe and thinks to herself how naive the man must be by the way he looks. She also thinks that she could get away with giving him an inflatable doll and that he’ll never know the difference. So, she he sends him upstairs to one of the rooms that has an inflatable doll already laid out in a bed and tells him to go enjoy himself. After a few minutes, the young man comes back to the madam who asks "Is everything alright?" The man replies "Well, I don't know. When I bit her on the ass, she blew out a loud fart and then flew straight out of the window."

[guardsman]

One day, a young woman decided to surprise her boyfriend by wearing some sexy, crotchless lace panties. That evening, she laid in her bed totally naked with only her crotchless lace panties on and her legs spread wide apart. When the boyfriend arrived at her home, he raced upstairs to the bedroom where he thought that he would find her. The young woman asks "Do you want what you see?" The boyfriend replies "Fμck no! Look at what it's done to your panties!"

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Hello everyone, long time no see! It's been one heck of a ride for me, but I sincerely hope that all of you are fine and happy. Kudos to guardsman for keeping this thread alive and healthy with his steadfast dedication!

----

Here's my contribution:

On a maiden, a man once begat
Cute triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat.
'Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding:
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.

[guardsman]

Hello everyone, long time no see! ...

Welcome back, Adeel S. Ahmed~! Your seat has been kept warm for you...


Here is what I have to toss into the communal "pot" [of jokes]...

A man goes to the hospital to visit his wife who was in a coma for the last few years. On this particular visit to her private room, he decides to rub her right breast instead of talking to her. When he does so, the wife lets out a faint sigh. Excited, the man rushes to the doctor and tells him about the miraculous event. The doctor informs the man that it is a good sign and that the man should rub the wife's left breast to see if there is any reaction. When the man rubs his wife's left breast, she moans. The doctor then tells the man to try to perform oral sex with the wife and then leaves the man in private so that the man can have his intimate time with the wife. About five minutes later, the man comes out of the private room and tells the doctor somberly that his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened and the man replies "I think she choked."

[guardsman]

Two old women at a nursing home were talking about their sex lives since they became residents. The first old woman says that she was upset that her sex life had died out since she and her husband moved into the home. The second old woman tells the first one that her sex life was great. When the first one asks the second one what is her secret, the second one tells her "I put both legs behind my head. When my husband sees me, he gets all excited and then we have sex all night!" That night as the husband of first old woman is in the bathroom getting ready for bed, his wife tries desperately for a while to get both of her legs behind her head. It is a struggle, but she finally manages to do so. However as soon as she does, she looses her balance, falls backwards and gets stuck in the position. A few minutes later her husband comes out of the bathroom, looks shocked at the site of her and says "Honey, you need to comb your hair and put your teeth back in - You look like an asshole!"

[guardsman]

One night, two young lovers are in bed getting frisky. As the night progresses, the girl places the guy's hand on her pussy and says "Finger me slowly!" As he does so with one finger, she moans gently in pleasure. Then the girl says "Try it with two fingers". The guy obliges her and she moans louder and longer. Next, the girl shouts "Put your whole hand in me!" The guy puts his whole hand inside her and she screams in pleasure. Finally, the girl begs her lover "Put both hands in now!" As the guy fulfills her request, the girl commands "Now try to clap your hands inside me." The guy tells her "I can't." The girl looks at him and says "See? I told you I had a tight pussy!"

[guardsman]

An elderly couple went to a sex therapist's office. When the doctor asks what he can do for them, the man says "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple finished having sex, the doctor says "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex." and charged them $50. For the next several weeks in a row, the couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor and then leave. One day with his curiosity peaked, the doctor asks "Just exactly what are the two of you trying to find out?" The man replies "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The local hotel charges $100 a day for a room. We do it here in your office for $50 and Medicare covers $40 for each visit!

[guardsman]

On early morning, a boy abruptly walks into his parents' bedroom as they are having sex. He sees that his mother is sitting on top of his father and asks her "Mommy? What are you doing?" His mother says "Oh nothing, dear. I'm just flattening your daddy's tummy." The boy replies "I wouldn't bother mommy. When you go out with your friends in the afternoon, the maid will only blow it up again."

[guardsman]

After doing some grocery shopping at the local supermarket, a young man goes to the end of a cashier's line to pay for his items. At the front of the line, a man at the cashier says, "I forgot that I need some condoms." The cashier, who was young woman, asks him "What size do you need?" The man says "I don't know." The young woman then reaches into his pants, grabs the man's penis and yells over the supermarket intercom "A box of regular size condoms at register three!" The young man is surprised by what just happened. The next man to get to the cashier tells her "I also forgot that I need some condoms." The young woman cashier asks him "What size do you need?" The man says "I don't know." The young woman also reaches into this man's pants, grabs his penis and yells over the intercom "A box of large size condoms at register three!" Once again, the young man is surprised when he notices this. When he gets to the cashier he says, "I need some condoms." The cashier asks "What size?" The young man says with a big smile "I don't know." So the cashier reaches into his pants, grabs his penis and yells over the intercom "Clean up at register three!"

[guardsman]

One day, a blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he could possibly expect to do the job since he was blind. The blind man replied that he could do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks "What is it without touching it?" The blind man smells the wood and says "That is a good piece of Douglas Fir." The manager acknowledges that the blind man is correct, places another piece of wood in front of him and tells him "Now try this one." The blind man takes a whiff of the wood and answers "That is a bad piece of Willow." The manager grudgingly says "Correct." Frustrated, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind man's face. The blind man uses his nose again but says "I'm confused. Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man tries again and replies "Ah, I know. You're trying to fool me! No matter. I know exactly what it is. It's the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

[guardsman]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" Then, the guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably tells the rest that he has had the same dream, too. Finally, the guy in the middle wakes up and says "That's funny - I dreamed that I was skiing!"