Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

Want to share something funny? Post it here!

Moderator: LW Moderator

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Molitor » Mon Apr 01, 2013 2:08 pm

A young man who wants to loose weight goes in a therapy center. He sees on the billboard:
"Formula 1: 3000$. 50% of success assured.
Formula 2: 6000$. 100% of success assured !"
The man talks to the director and chooses the 3000$ formula. The director brings him in a park, and asks him to run. The young man starts to run, when he sees a wonderful naked woman, carrying a placard: "Catch me and fµck me!". The man runs very, very fast, but he cannot catch the woman. After the race, he realizes that he didn't even loose 100 grams.
So he gets back to the center, and pays for the 6000$ formula. The director brings him in the park (again) and asks him to start running (again). At this moment the young man sees an horrible, crumpled and obese old man, carrying a placard "If I catch you, I fµck you".
User avatar
Molitor
3DSL Moderator
 
Posts: 1250
Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2012 6:53 pm
Location: France
Thanks: 196
Thanked: 570 times in 419 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Apr 09, 2013 6:28 am

A man went to the beach in his Speedo to get a tan. At the end of the day when he was home and was standing naked in front of a mirror, he noticed that his body was tanned except for the parts that were covered by his Speedo. The man wanted a complete tan but knew that the beach did not allow nude sunbathing. So the next day he walks to the local park, goes to a quiet area filled with a few bushes and tall grass and quickly takes off all of his clothes. He then lies down naked in the grass and covers himself completely with dirt and grass except for his penis which he leaves exposed. He then hides his head in one of the bushes and goes to sleep. After a while, two old ladies walk by and notice the man's penis standing out in the tall grass. One of the old ladies shakes her head and says "It's not fair!" The other old lady asks "What do you mean, dear?" The first old lady points to the penis and replies "When I was five years old, I was afraid of it. When I was thirteen years old, I was curious about it. When I was sixteen, I asked about it. When I was in my twenties, I was getting it. When I was in my thirties, I asked for it. In my fourties, I was begging for it. In my fifties, I was praying for it. In my sixties, I was paying for it and in my seventies, I reminisced about it. Now that I'm eighty years old and worn out "downstairs", the damn things are growing out of the ground like wildfire!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon Apr 15, 2013 3:58 pm

A man walks into a nightclub and sees a sign that reads:

Chicken Salad Sandwich...- $ 4.00
Tuna Fish Sandwich........- $ 5.00
Hand Job....................- $15.00

He sits at a table and gestures for the scantily clad waitress to come over. As she arrives at his table, he whispers "Are you the one who gives the Hand Jobs?" The waitress says in a sexy voice "Yes, I am." The man replies "Well, then wash your hands throughly. I want a Chicken Salad Sandwich."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Scaryfun » Mon Apr 15, 2013 10:36 pm

:lol: That cracked me up.
Image
User avatar
Scaryfun
3DSL Admin
 
Posts: 11099
Joined: Wed Jun 02, 2004 9:27 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada.
Thanks: 4495
Thanked: 1542 times in 1346 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon Apr 22, 2013 2:44 pm

Scaryfun wrote:That cracked me up.


I'm glad that you enjoyed that joke, Scaryfun. If anyone else has a joke or a positive comment about any joke shared by anyone in this thread, please post it!
:)

Now for this week's joke...

A young boy and his father go to the park and see a couple making out on a bench. The boy asks the father "What are they doing?" His father thinks quickly and says "They are making a cake." The next day, the boy and his father visit the zoo and happen to see two bears having sex. The boy asks "What are they doing?" His father says "They are making a cake." On the next morning, the boy goes to the breakfast table, greets his father and says "I know what you and mommy were doing last night - The two of you were making a cake." The father asks "How do you know that?" The boy replies "Because I licked the frosting off the sheets this morning."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon Apr 29, 2013 4:32 pm

Two novice hikers are walking through some tall grass. After a while, one of the men stops to take a piss behind a bush. As he prepares to finish, a large hooded snake pounces out and bites the man on the head of his penis. Shocked by the experience, the man screams to his friend for help. The man's friend runs over and asks what happened, digs into his backpack and pulls out a survival guide. The friend says "Let me consult with the book on what to do." The friend desperately reads the book and identifies the snake based on the man's description. The friend says "It looks like you were bitten by a King Cobra." By now the man, weakened by the poison, drops to the ground and says frantically "What does the book say that you can do to help me?" His friend reads further on and learns that the only way to save the life of a victim of a poisonous snake bite is to immediately suck out the poison from the bite area. Upon reading this, the friend pauses for a moment in thought. The man, now feverous, covered in sweat and writhing in agony, says in a weak voice "Well? What does the book say?!" His friend replies in a somber voice "I'm sorry. There is nothing I can do. It says you're going to die."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon May 06, 2013 1:33 pm

Before getting married, a fireman explains to his fiance that their sex life would be run on the bell system. He says "One bell means take your clothes off. Two bells means jump into bed. Three bells means we have sex." On the night of their honeymoon, he hollers "One bell." His wife quickly takes off all of her clothes. Then he hollers "Two bells." She quickly jumps into bed. After leisurely taking off his own clothes and getting into bed, he hollers "Three bells." and they both have sex. A few minutes later, the wife hollers "Four bells." Puzzled, the fireman asks "What does four bells mean?" His wife replies "Let out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire!"
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon May 13, 2013 2:25 pm

A tourist visits a fishing village and meets an odd looking fisherman with a head that is no larger than a light bulb. The tourist asks the fisherman why his head is so small. The fisherman says "Years ago, I caught a mermaid in my net. The mermaid said that she would grant me three wishes if I let her go. For my first wish, I wanted a new fishing boat. Moments later, a new fishing boat appeared from the horizon. For my second wish, I wanted enormous wealth. In an instant, the deck of my new boat was filled with gold coins. For my third wish, I wanted to have sex with the mermaid." Curious, the tourist asks "So did you get your third wish?" The fisherman replies "When she pointed out that she was part fish on her bottom half, I asked for 'a little head' instead."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon May 20, 2013 2:54 pm

A man goes to a doctor and says "I have a huge asshole." The doctor tells the man to drop his pants and bend over for an examination. Shocked by the abnormally large asshole, the doctor asks "What happened to enlarge your anus?" The man says "I got f*cked by an elephant." The doctors says "That seems unlikely. An elephant's penis is long and thin. This hole is enormous." The man replies "He fingered me first."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Molitor » Mon May 20, 2013 3:56 pm

A boy comes back from school, where he learned some new words...
- Mom, what does "asshole" mean ?
The mother replies:
- Uh ... it means "visitor".
- And what does "c0ck" mean ?
- Hem ... it means "shirt"
- And what does "shit" mean ?
- Uh ... it means "chair"
- And what does "fµck" mean ?
- Phew ... it means "to wash"
Then the boy stops asking.
One day, while the mother is doing the washing up, a guy rings at the front door ...
The boy opens and says:
"Hi, asshole. Sit down in the shit. Mum is fµcking dad's c0ck".

This is a guy sitting at a bar. He tells the bartender: "Have you seen the woman there ? I pay her a drink !".
The bartender says: "Forget about that, it's useless, she is lesbian."
The guy replies "Come on ! It does not matter ! It does not bother me !" The Bartender brings a glass to the young lady from the nice gentleman. The lady kindly thanks the gentleman's. Then the guy pays her a second glass, then a third. He decides to go see her. He sits near her. they introduce themselves, discuss a little, and finally the embarrassed guy asks:
"Tell me: Is there still war in Lesbia ?"
User avatar
Molitor
3DSL Moderator
 
Posts: 1250
Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2012 6:53 pm
Location: France
Thanks: 196
Thanked: 570 times in 419 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon May 27, 2013 3:11 pm

On an airplane, a man with diarrhea had to urgently use the men's room. Unfortunately for him, it was already occupied. A stewardess tells him that he may use the women's room if he promises not to touch any of the buttons on the wall inside. Desperate to relieve himself, the man promises and enters the women's room. After finishing up, the relieved man notices four buttons on the wall sequentially marked "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR". His curiosity getting the better of him, he presses the "WW" button. A stream of warm water sprays the man's entire bottom side. Delighted by the experience, the man presses the "WA" button. A jet of warm air blows upside the man's entire bottom side. Enjoying the moment, the man then presses the "PP" button and a powder puff brush gently pats the man's entire bottom side. Blissfully, the man pushes the "ATR" button expecting the ultimate in ecstasy. The next thing that the man is aware of is that he is waking up and lying in a hospital bed. Confused, the man asks a nurse "What happened to me?" The nurse replies "You pushed one too many buttons. The 'ATR' button is the automatic tampon remover. Your penis is preserved in formaldehyde inside that glass jar beside your bed."
:shock: :wacko: :cry: :lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Scaryfun » Mon May 27, 2013 11:24 pm

:lol: Ouch.
Image
User avatar
Scaryfun
3DSL Admin
 
Posts: 11099
Joined: Wed Jun 02, 2004 9:27 pm
Location: Toronto, Canada.
Thanks: 4495
Thanked: 1542 times in 1346 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed May 29, 2013 3:01 am

FYI - Reality check: The Japanese have already implemented the WW and WA functions in their toilets but have not implemented the PP and ATR functions as of date. I guess that their market research showed that there wasn't enough of a profit to be made from the eunuch wannabe population! -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJRYn7KPVvw
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon Jun 03, 2013 12:50 pm

One night, a policeman walks up upon a couple in the back of their car. After shining his flashlight against the rear window, he sees that the woman has one of her thumbs inside the man's asshole thrusting in an up and down motion. Disgusted, the poliman asks "What is going on here?" The woman says "This is my date. When I didn't want to have sex with him, he got all drunk. Unfortunately I need him to drive me back home, so I'm trying to make him sober." The policeman says "That won't make him sober." The woman replies "He'll be sober when I stick this thumb in his mouth."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon Jun 10, 2013 2:03 pm

A young man goes to visit his grandparents' house. As he arrives at the front of the house, he sees his grandfather sitting out on the porch in a rocking chair wearing a sweater and nothing underneath his waist. Shocked, the young man asks "Gramps! Why are you sitting here naked from the waist down?" The old man replies "The last time I decided to sit outside without a sweater, I got a stiff neck. This time it was your grandma's idea to have me sit out here like this."
:lol:
User avatar
guardsman
Super Member
 
Posts: 656
Joined: Tue May 08, 2012 12:54 pm
Thanks: 192
Thanked: 84 times in 71 posts

PreviousNext

Return to Fun & Jokes

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 13 guests