Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

A timid man was arrested and put into the local jail for jaywalking. Through some clerical error, the man finds himself sharing a cell with a convict, a huge, hardened man who was awaiting transit to prison for murder. The convict snarls "Now let’s get one thing sorted out right away. Are you going to be the husband or the wife?" Horrified of the consequences, the timid man thinks to himself, "Being the husband must be the lesser of the two evils." and stutters "I, I'll – er – be the husband." The convict grins and replies "Okay, husband. Get down on your knees and suck your wife's penis."

[guardsman]

Three beautiful girls are walking along the beach when they come across a man sunbathing. They notice that the man has no arms or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says "Have you ever been hugged?" The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him a big hug. The second girl asks him if he has ever been kissed. Again, he shakes his head so she bends down and gives him a long, lingering kiss. Finally, the third girl asks him if he has ever been fμcked. The man says "No, no.", as his face lights up in anticipation. The third girls replies "Well, you are now. The tide is coming in."

[guardsman]

Two men were sitting at the bar talking over past times. The first man says "I’ll never forget the day I turned to the bottle as a substitute for women." His friend asks "Why’s that then?" The man replies "I got my penis stuck in it."


Speaking of which - FYI for those who don't know, check out this "bottle" -> http://www.tenga-global.com/index.php

[guardsman]

One day while on traffic patrol, a policeman flags down a car for speeding. As he walks up to the car, he sees that it is being driven by a young, sexy blonde woman. The policeman says "Excuse me miss, did you not see the signs? This is a 30 mph zone and you were going at least 50 mph. May I see your license and proof of insurance please?" The blonde hands him some documents from her handbag and says "Oh dear. Do you mean these, officer?" The policeman looks at the documents and tells her "That’s right, Miss. It will just take me a moment to verify the information." He then walks over to his car to radio in the details. The radio dispatcher says "I think I know this woman. Is she a young, sexy blonde?" The policeman responds "Yes. Why?" The dispatcher tells him "Lucky you! When you get back to her, take your pants down." Surprised, the policeman asks What the fμck are you talking about?" The dispatcher says "Don't worry about it. Just do as I say. It’ll be fine." So the policeman returns to the woman’s car, hands her back her documents and then drops his pants. The blonde then says "Oh no! Not another breathalyser."

[guardsman]

While goofing around, a man gets a peanut stuck tightly in his ear. No matter how hard his wife tries, they can't get it out. just as they’re about to give up, their daughter arrives home with her new boyfriend. When they both hear what has happened, the boyfriend tells the parents that he knows how to get the peanut out. He sticks two fingers up the man’s nose and tells him to blow as hard as he can. The man does so and the peanut pops out. Sometime later, the parents are talking to each other in private and the wife says, "Our daughter's got a clever boyfriend. I wonder what will become of him?" The husband replies "I can tell you one thing - By the smell of his fingers, he's going to be our son-in-law!"

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

What you do after sex? Smoke a cigarette? Kiss your partner? Clear your browser history!

[guardsman]

A man walks into a bar and orders a Gin & Tonic. When the drink was placed in front of him, he examined its contents and exclaimed "Oh, my. That's new. An ice cube with a hole in it!" The man sitting next to him replies "No it isn't. I married one."

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

"Me and the ol' lady had more sex this weekend than we've had all year!" "Good for you, Jim. How many times did you do it?" "Just the once."

[guardsman]

A man goes to the doctor feeling very sick. The doctor is unable to diagnose what's wrong with the man, so he takes some blood tests and tells the man to return the following week. The next week, the man's condition worsens and he becomes too ill to go to the doctor's office by himself so his wife goes along with him to get the results. When they arrive, the doctor looks at two sets of medical records, shakes his head and says to the wife "I'm sorry. It seems that I have two patients by the same name. By coincidence, both gentlemen have had blood tests this week. Your husband's and the other patient's tests have been mixed up. It means that your husband either has VD or Alzheimer’s disease." Distressed, the wife asks "What shall I do?" The doctor replies "Don't worry. Take your husband on a long journey. Go by bus and train then leave him somewhere and see if he can find his way back home. If he does get home alright, then don’t let him fμck you."

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

One by one the members of the Board of Directors entered the C.E.O.'s office until Bob, the newest member, sat alone. Finally, he too was summoned into the conference room with the chairman and other directors. The chairman eyed Bob and asked in a stern voice, "Bob, have you had sex with my secretary, Ms. Foyt?" "Oh, no sir, positively not!" "Are you sure?" "Yes. I've never touched her!" "And you'd swear to that?" "Yes, sir. I swear. I've never had sex with Ms. Foyt!" The C.E.O. exhaled. "Good. Then you fire her!"

[guardsman]

Two near penniless alcoholics, desperately seeking a way to get more booze, come up with an idea to get free drinks. The first one says "With our last five dollars, we’ll buy a sausage and I’ll stick it in your fly. Just play along with me and we won’t fail." They then go into a bar and order two doubles which they empty right away. When the bartender asks for the money, the first alcoholic gets down on his knees and sucks the sausage sticking out of the second alcoholic's pants. Disgusted at the spectacle, the bartender yells "Ugh! Get out of my bar, you disgusting perverts!" The two alcoholics successfully repeat the trick all night in bars across the city until they are so drunk that they can't stand up. The first alcoholic says in a slurred voice "Wow, what a day. My knees are all sore from kneeling down so often. I don't anyone has ever suffered as much just to get free drinks." The second alcoholic replies "That’s nothing. I lost the sausage after the second bar."

[guardsman]

A woman walks into a dentist's office for her appointment very afraid and nervously says, "I’d rather have a baby than have a root canal." The dentist replies "Okay. If that’s what you want then I'll have to adjust the chair so that you're lying completely flat on your back."

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

I asked a hundred women what was their favorite shampoo. Their top answer? "How in the hell did you get in my bathroom?!"

[guardsman]

A man comes home and finds his wife in the kitchen, bending over the oven. She looked so desirable that he immediately dropped his pants and took her from behind. After he was finished, he gave her a hard slap on the ass. The wife screams in anger "What the fμck was that for?!" The man replies "That was because you didn't turn around to see who it was first!"

[guardsman]

After six months of blissful marriage, a husband asks his wife in their bed "Are you happy dear?" The wife says "Of course. I’m very happy." The man then asks his wife "Is there anything at all that bothers you?" His wife says "Well there are two things: You’re always picking your nose while we're in bed and you’re always on top when we make love." The man replies "I can explain. When I was growing up, my father used to say to me quite often, 'Whatever you do, keep your nose clean and don’t fμck up!'"