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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jan 05, 2016 7:03 pm

One day as a guy was playing golf, a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor. The man asks "Well, what do you think, doc?" The doctor answers "We're going to have to put in a support for about a week." The doctor then takes four tongue depressors and ties them all together surrounding the man's penis with some string. The man looks disappointed and tells the doctor "But tonight is my honeymoon." The doctor says "You're just going to have to bear with it or risk further damage to your penis." Later that night, the man and his wife were in bed. She took off her shirt and grabs her new, firm breasts. "Do you like the new breast implants? No one has ever seen these before." The man pulls out his penis and replies "Well mine is still in the crate!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jan 13, 2016 4:51 am

One day an old man was sitting on a bench in the park crying. A young man noticed him, walked up and asked "What's wrong?" The old man answered "I'm married to a sexy twenty one year old woman who gives me two blowjobs every day and we have wonderful sex the minute I get home from work and after dinner." Confused, the young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great life." The old man replies "I can't remember where I live!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jan 19, 2016 2:33 pm

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Just then, the grandma was walking down the street. The young girl was frantic. As she walked closer the grandma noticed the young teenage girl and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to reveal her little secret, the young teenage girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. The grandma says "Mmm, that sounds lovely. I think that I'll have some myself." as she walks to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. The police officer asks "You're so old. How do you do it?" the grandma replies "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck'em dry!"
:lol:


If anyone else has any adult jokes, please post them. Please help keep this thread alive! Thanks!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jan 26, 2016 3:11 pm

During her annual checkup, a well-built young woman was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. The young woman says shyly "Doctor, I just can't undress in front of you." The doctor tells her "All right. I'll turn off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." A few moments later, the young woman says in the darkness "Doctor, I've undressed. What should I do with my clothes?" The doctor replies "Put them on the chair, right on top of mine."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Molitor » Mon Feb 01, 2016 8:19 pm

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(Actual dialogues)
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Feb 02, 2016 2:51 pm

A couple were married and following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. The husbands says "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want. I don't expect any hassle from you. Also I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, drinking and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules. Any questions or comments?" The new bride replies "No, that's fine with me but just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Feb 09, 2016 5:59 pm

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially, so they both decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove his wife out to a popular corner and informed her that he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems. A man pulled up shortly after and asked the wife how much she would charge to "Go all the way". The wife told the man to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client one hundred dollars. She went back and informed the man who cried "That's too much!" The man then asked "How much for a hand-job?" The wife asked him to wait a minute and ran back to ask her husband how much to charge. The husband said "Ask for forty dollars." The wife ran back and informed the man. He agreed and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing, the wife noticed that the man was well hung. She asked him once more to wait a moment and ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replies "Can I borrow fifty dollars?"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Feb 16, 2016 2:47 pm

A virgin was to go out on a date for the first time. Before the date, she told her grandmother about it. The grandmother says "Sit here dear and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that but don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that but don't let him do that. Most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day, the granddaughter told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. However, she said "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family." The grandmother asks "What happened?" The granddaughter replies "When he tried, I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Feb 23, 2016 3:05 pm

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous, petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says "Did you call for me?" The man answers "No, what do you mean?" The blonde says "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies that you called for me for sex." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him towards her and happily lets him have his way with her. Happy, the man continues to explore the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds, a huge, hairy guy with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The huge guy says "Did you call for me?" The man answers "No, what do you mean?" The huge guy tells him "You must be new here. It is a rule here that when you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge guy then easily spins the man around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. The man rushes back to the colony's office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist who asks "May I help you?" The man says "Here is my membership card and room key back. You can keep my $500.00 membership fee." The receptionist says "But Sir, you've only been here for a couple of hours. You only saw a small fraction of our facilities." The man replies "Listen lady, I'm fifty-eight years old. I get a hard-on twice a month but I fart fifteen times a day. This place is not for me!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Mar 01, 2016 3:46 pm

A young boy and girl were playing "Doctor" on the back porch when the young girl's mom popped in on them. Shocked, the mother yells "Young lady! You're going to get a good lickin' when daddy gets home!" The young girl replies "I've been getting that all afternoon."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Mar 08, 2016 4:37 pm

On the first day of college the Dean addressed all of the new students, pointing out some of the rules. The Dean announces "The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students and likewise, the male dormitory for all female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20.00 for the first offense. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.00. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.00. Are there any questions?" One of the male students in the crowd replies "How much for a season pass?"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Mar 15, 2016 2:16 pm

A woman came home after a long shopping trip and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her saying "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. When I was driving home, I saw this young girl. She looked poor and tired, so I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you didn't wear anymore because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked me is there anything else that you don't use anymore." The wife asks sternly "So?" The man replies "So, here we are!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Mar 22, 2016 6:28 pm

An older woman had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so that she could look younger. One day, she went to a plastic surgeon and asks "I can't get rid of these bags under my eyes. Can you help me? The doctor answers that he is going to try a new experimental technique on her. He will put a crank in the back of her head and whenever she sees bags under her eyes, she is supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. The woman gets the crank put in her head and leaves. It works for a while until one day, she can't get rid of the bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. She returns to the doctor and says "Doctor, this was working for a while but I can't seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes." The doctor answers "Ma'am, those aren't bags ... Those are your breasts." The woman replies "That would explain why I have this goatee!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Mar 29, 2016 1:56 pm

A policeman noticed a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a beautiful woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He says "Ma'am, I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." The woman blows up the balloon and the policeman took it back to his police car. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones." The woman replies "You mean it shows that, too?!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Apr 06, 2016 2:32 pm

An exhibitionist was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the boarding stairs, there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. When the exhibitionist got to the top of the boarding stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess takes a good look and says "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your whole ticket here, not just your stub."
:lol:
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