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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Sun Sep 16, 2012 9:58 am

Molitor wrote:8) I like the second best. Not that I've got a sexual preference for animals but I like it. ...


I have a few more "interspecies" jokes, Molitor. Just stay tuned for the future...
:wink:

In the meantime, here's another joke...

A man who has worked for years in a pickle processing factory confesses to his wife that he has an uncontrollable urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a sex therapist but the man insists that he can overcome his urges. A few weeks pass by and all is fine until one day, the man returns home and asks his wife "Remember when I told you that I had this urge to stick my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife exclaims "Oh no, dear! You didn't, did you?" The man says "Yes. I did." His wife then asks "What happened?" The man says "I got fired." His wife says "No. I meant what happened with the pickle slicer?" The man replies "She got fired too!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Scaryfun » Mon Sep 17, 2012 1:10 am

:lol: nice one.
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Mister_Headcrab » Sun Sep 23, 2012 1:22 am

Now, this is what I call dirty (click only if you're 18 or older): CLICK & LOL
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MasteromaN wrote:Get out of this place if you don't like it.

Don't worry, we don't like you either.
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Sun Sep 23, 2012 1:40 pm

Scaryfun wrote::lol: nice one.


I'm glad that you enjoyed it, Scaryfun!
:)

Mister_Headcrab wrote:Now, this is what I call dirty (click only if you're 18 or older): ...


I've heard of the Family Guy DVDs but didn't know that they had uncensored jokes, Mister_Headcrab. I thought they just repackaged the old aired episodes into the DVDs. Now I'm more interested in watching the DVDs than before!
:cool:

The joke that you linked to reminds me of another joke that involves insertion...

A man went to a doctor for help to quit his strong addiction to cigars. The doctor suggested that the man try a radical form of aversion therapy: "Tonight before you go to bed, I want you to take a cigar from your cigar box, unwrap it, shove it all the way up into your ass, take it out and then re-wrap it and place it back into your cigar box in a way so that you can't tell which cigar is the one that was up in your ass. The aversion will be that since you won't be able to tell the difference among the cigars, you won't want to smoke any of them." The man goes home and takes the doctor's advice. A month later, the man returns to the doctor. The doctor asks "Did the aversion thrapy work?" The man says "It sort of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction." Puzzled, the doctor asks "What exactly do you mean?" The man replies "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Sun Sep 30, 2012 10:54 am

Here is another joke involving the animal kingdom...

A man goes to Mexico City for a vacation. He sees some of the sights and watches a bullfight at the local stadium. Afterwards in the evening, he decides to go to the restaurant located across the street from the stadium to have dinner. As he sits down at a table, he notices a man sitting at the table across from his table eating a plate of what appears to be tender, juicy, large balls of meat. When the waiter comes to the man's table, the man points across the table and says "I'll have what he's having. It looks delicious!" The waiter explains "Oh senior, that is the house dinner special. After each bullfight, only one order can be served in the restaurant to only one customer. If you want to try the house dinner special, you must order it a day in advance before a bullfight. There is a bullfight tomorrow. Would you like to reserve an order of the house dinner special for tomorrow?". The man pre-orders the house dinner special and leaves.

The next day, the man takes in more sights of the city. He visits the local museum, a few art galleries, and some local historical monuments. As he continues his tour of the city throughout the day, his mouth waters as he thinks about the delicious special order that he is going to have for dinner. When the evening arrives, the man goes to the restaurant and sits down at his table and eagerly awaits dinner. Soon, the waiter arrives with a hot covered plate. The waiter raises the cover and places the order on the table and says "Here is your order, senior". When the steam clears, the man sees two tiny balls of meat about the size of grapes. Confused, the mans asks the waiter "What is going on here? This doesn't look like the same dish that I saw the other guy eating yesterday night!". The waiter replies "Sorry, senior. Sometimes the bull wins!"
:lol:

FYI - More information about the dish in question can be found at -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocky_Mountain_oysters
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon Oct 08, 2012 1:31 pm

If anyone else has any adult jokes to share, please do so. Let's all help keep this thread alive!
8)

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and tells him "In bed, when my husband climaxes, he screams out loud." The doctor says "That's quite normal. Many people scream out to express pleasure during climax." The woman replies "Yes but everytime that he screams, he wakes me up."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Molitor » Sun Oct 14, 2012 4:34 pm

Kids are too curious...
A kid asks his mother:
-Hey Mom, is it true that I was born in a cabbage?
-(the mom is embarrassed) Mmh.... yes, that's kind of true.
-Oh and Mom, is it true that my sister was born in a rose ?
-Hmmm... yes that's it.
(The kid thinks...)
-But this means Dad only f*cks you in the garden?


A kid wakes up at night. He goes to his parent's room, but he hears strange noises...
So he look through the lock.
Then he opens the door:
-Mom, why do you always tell me I mustn't suck my thumb? You're doing the same thing to Dad!


Three young men go sleeping in a hotel. When they enter, they immediately see the owner's daughter... the owner sees they're excited so he tells them:
-If you do anything to my daughter, I'll let you regret that...

But the three men don't listen to his warning and the evening, they have sex with the girl.

Next day, in the morning, the owner wakes up the men and menace them with a rifle.
He shouts:
-Put your penises on the table!
Then he asks the first man!
-What's your job?
-I'm carpenter...
So the owner nails the penis on the table.
He asks the second man:
-What's your job?
-I'm cooker...
So the owner cut the penis with a knife.
He asks the last man:
-What's your job?
The man laughs. The owner is surprised and says:
-Why are you laughing?
-You know what? You're going to suck me for a long time... I'm ice creams vendor.
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Mon Oct 15, 2012 11:35 am

Molitor wrote:Kids are too curious...

LOL! Based on the punchline in the second joke, I guess the dad's nickname is "Stubby".
:lol:

I also have a joke that involves a curious kid, his mother and his father [Disclaimer: To the ladies out there, the following is for entertainment purposes only and does not represent my views on the female sex - It is just a joke that I came across. If you are offended by such jokes then please do not read it. To all others, enjoy!] ...

A little boy comes home from school and asks his mother: "Mommy, I heard two new words in school from some of the bigger kids but I don't know what they mean. What is a pussy and a bitch?" His mother answers "Oh that's easy dear. A pussy is a cat and a bitch is a female dog." The boy then goes to his father and says "Daddy, I asked mommy what is a pussy and a bitch but I'm not sure she told me the right things. After the boy explains what his mother said, the father sighs and says "I'm glad you came to me son. Your mother definitely didn't give you the right information." The boy asks "Do you know what those words mean?" The father then takes out a Playboy magazine, draws a circle around the centerfold's privates, shows his son the centerfold and replies "Everything inside the circle is a pussy and every outside the circle is a bitch."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Molitor » Wed Oct 17, 2012 5:03 pm

:woot: :up:

In a monastery, a priest is having a shower, when he realises that he forgot his soap. He remembers that he has two of them in his bedroom, so he leaves the shower and run to his bedroom naked.
But when he goes back to the showers room, three nuns walk right up to him. There's no place where he can hide him, so he stand toward the wall like a statue.
The nuns stop, stunned to see a so realistic statue.
The first nun reaches out and touches his penis.
Surprised, he drops his first soap.
-Oh! Look, it's a soap dispenser!
The second nun also wants to try and pull the penis too.
He drops his second soap.
The third nun is not the least curious and takes two or three times the penis without result.
She continues her best effort, and suddenly exclaims:
-Holy Mother of God, it also gives the shower gel!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Sun Oct 21, 2012 2:05 pm

Molitor wrote:... it also gives the shower gel!

That's probably going to be some really thick and sticky shower gel.
:wink:

An old man enters into a crowded doctor's office, goes to the receptionist's desk and says "I need to see the doctor. I have a problem with my penis." The receptionist scolds him saying "Sir, you shouldn't come into this crowded office and blurt out embarassing things like that. There are women present. You should say that something is wrong with your ear or somthing else and then discuss the actual problem in private with the doctor." The old man leaves, waits a few minutes and then returns to the receptionist's desk.

The receptionist smugly says "How may I help you?" The old man says "I need to see the doctor. I have a problem with my ear." The receptionist asks "What is wrong with your ear?" The old man replies "I can't piss out of it!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Molitor » Wed Oct 24, 2012 4:44 pm

Warning, this one is very dirty.
Two men are talking:
-Hey, in a woman, where is the clitoris ? On the front or on the back ?
-Well, it's on the front.
-Holy shit, that means I sucked haemorrhoids all night long !

-----------------------

Two men are talking:
-Well you know I live near the railway. Last night, on my way home, I found a girl tied to the tracks, like in the movies!
- No, you kidding?
- No, I'm serious, I released and I took her home and... short, we fudge all night, doggy style, missionary position, top, bottom, front, back ... It was awesome!
- Lucky you... I guess she sucked your penis ?
- Nope, I couldn't find the head!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Sun Oct 28, 2012 12:49 pm

Now for a joke involving a kid that is not really of the curious type:

In the morning at breakfast, a boy asks his grandmother "Where is mom and dad?" The grandmother says "They're up in the master bedroom." The boys smirks. During lunchtime at the family table, the boy asks his grandmother "Where is mom and dad?" and his grandmother says "They're up in the master bedroom." The boy giggles a little bit. When it is time for dinner, the boy once again asks his grandmother "Where is mom and dad?" to which the grandmother answers "They're up in the master bedroom." This time the boys laughs uncontrollably. The grandmother asks "What is so funny young man?" The boy replies "Last night in the dark when mom and dad went to bed, dad asked me to get the tube of Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Sun Nov 04, 2012 3:34 pm

Let's see if we can get some life back into this thread! ...

A man and his girlfriend take a drive in his car. The girlfriend tells the man that if he speeds up to 100 Miles Per Hour, she will strip off all of her clothes. The man speeds up to 100 MPH and his girlfriend strips completely. While looking at his girlfriend's naked body, the man gets distracted and drives the car off the road. The car lands upside down in a ditch. The girlfriend is thrown out from the car along with one of the man's shoes while the man is trapped inside. The man tells his girlfriend to go to the gas station that they just passed by and ask for help to free him from the car. His girlfriend says that she is afraid to do so as she is completely naked. The man tells her that she can cover her privates with his shoe. The girlfriend covers herself and goes to the gas station. She approaches the gas station attendant, breast exposed and privates covered with her boyfriend's shoe and cries "I need help! My boyfriend is stuck." The gas station attendant looks at her shockingly and replies "Sorry lady. It looks like he's already in too deep!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby Molitor » Thu Nov 08, 2012 1:15 pm

A junkie goes to the hairdresser and sits next to a nun. He asks her: "Do you want to fuc.k me ?"
The nun is horrified and quits the salon. The hairdresser, who listened to the short conversation, says to the junkie: "Don't worry, I've got a way to convince any woman to fuc.k me. Listen to me: at midnight, go to the cemetery near the church. When the nun comes, just make her believe you're God in person and she has to fudge you in order to survive. She will do it !".
The junkie thanks him and does what he said.
At midnight, the nun comes and the junkie, hidden in the dark, says to the nun: "I am God. If you want to survive you must have a carnal intercourse with me".
The nun replies: "Okay, but I want to keep my virginity, so please just do anal sex.".
The junkie and the nun have sex all night long. In the morning, junkie shows his face and laughs: "Hey, I'm not God, I'm the guy from the salon !"
The nun shows her face and says: "And I'm not a nun, I'm just the hairdresser !"
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Sun Nov 11, 2012 3:36 pm

Here are a few short but "sweet" ones ...

What does air and sex have in common?
Neither one is a big deal, unless you're not getting any!
:lol:

Why is sex like a Bridge game?
For either one, you don't need a partner when you have a good "hand"!
:lol:

Why is eating pussy like being in the Mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep sh*t!
:lol:

Why does a hooker make more money than a drug dealer?
A hooker can clean her "crack" and resell it!
:lol:
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