Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[Molitor]

A guy meets his new girlfriend. They immediately want to have sex together. The girl touches the boy's... "private area" and she seems to like doing that a lot.
The guy says: "Hey, you seem to like that part..."
"Yeah", replies the girl. "I miss mine so much since my operation...".

[guardsman]

... "I miss mine so much since my operation...".

...So, I guess this should be considered a "broken" trap, since "it" has been broken off?!?


Three men accidentily wander into a vilage of cannibals. Finding themselves being surrounded, the men beg for their lives. The chief tells them that he will spare each of their lives if they can each succcessfully complete two tasks. For the first task they must go into the outskirts of the village, one by one with a guard watching over them and bring back ten pieces of fruit. Each of them will be told the second task to complete upon returning to the village. After an hour, the first man returns with ten apples. The chief then says "For the second task, you must shove each piece of fruit up into your ass without flinching or anything." The man painfully shoves the first apple up his ass. As he struggles to shove up the second apple, he flinches and the cannibals kill and eat him. The second man returns with ten berries and is told the second task to complete. The man successfully shoves up nine berries one after the other. As he attempts to shove up the tenth berry, he laughs uncontrollably and the cannibals kill and eat him. As the second man's spirit arrives in Heaven, the spirit of the first man greets him and asks "Why did you laugh? You could have lived." The second man replies "I was fine until I saw the third guy coming back with all of those watermelons!"

[Molitor]

A guy meets a friend. The friend in question is banged up.
His buddy asked:
- What happened to you?
The guy replied:
- I received a blow in the face.
- Who did it?
- My wife.
- Your wife? When? How? Why?
- I am behind my wife, who wears a short skirt. She looks in the freezer, she's in front of me. I see her panties, I lose control, I grab my wife, and I penetrate her. What I remember is having received frozen hock blow on my face.
- Why did she do that ? Is this the first time you did that to your wife?
- At the supermarket, yes.

[guardsman]

A man goes to a strip club. Inside, the place is packed but the man manages to find one chair in the front row that is conspiciously empty. Giving it no thought, the man quickly sits down on the chair. When the show starts, a stripper wearing a thin top and G-String slowly enters the stage. As soon as she comes out, a guy sitting directly behind the man yells out in an annoyingly loud tone "Yeah baby, that's what I've been waiting for!" The man turns around and gives the guy a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the stripper takes off her top and shakes her bare boobs. The guy behind yells out "Shake those things, baby! I'm almost there!" The man turns around and says "Hey! Shut up, buddy. I'm trying to watch the show." Near the finale the stripper rips off her G-String, revealing everything. All of the club's patrons clap their hands and scream in delight except for the guy sitting behind who remains quiet. Curious, the man turns around and asks "Where's your enthusiasm now, buddy?" The guy replies "It's all over your back, pal!"

[guardsman]

A man went to see a doctor about his premature ejaculation problem. The doctor tells him "Whenever you feel that you are about to ejaculate prematurely, startle yourself. The sudden shock should prevent the problem from occurring." Afterwards, the man goes and buys a starter pistol. Later that night, the man returns home and sees that his wife is already naked and ready for him to come to bed. So he and his wife assume the 69 position in bed. As they start to get into it, the man feels that he is about to prematurely ejaculate so he fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man sees the doctor who asks him how it went. The man replies "Not good. My wife bit my penis, sh*t on top of my head and my next door neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands up!

[Molitor]

Not an adult joke, but I tough it would be nice to tell it here -

The scene takes place before 2008:
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the conflict in the Middle East.
After his speech, he allows a question period.

- So who has a question? Bush asks.

A little boy raises his hand:
- Yes, what is your name?
- Billy, Mr. President.
- What is your question, Billy?
- I have three questions, Mr. President:

1) Why did the U.S. invade Iraq without the consent of the United Nations?
2) Why are you President whereas Al Gore got more votes than you?
3) And what happened to Ben Laden?

At that moment the bell rings, announcing recreation.
Bush said he will continue the question period after the break.

After the recreation, Bush asks:
- Where were we? Ah yes, the question period. Has anyone a question?

A little boy raises his hand.
- Yes, what is your name?
- Steve, Mr. President.
- What is your question Steve?
- Actually... I have five questions, Mr. President:

1) Why did the U.S. invade Iraq without the consent of the United Nations?
2) Why are you President whereas Al Gore got more votes than you?
3) And what happened to Ben Laden?
4) Why the bell ring 30 minutes early?
5) What happened to Billy?

[Scaryfun]

Welcome to the guardsman and Molitor show. Laughter is good for your health.

[guardsman]

Welcome to the guardsman and Molitor show. ...

You forgot to say "With your host, Scaryfun!"

... Laughter is good for your health.

Indeed, as the old saying goes: "Laughter is the best medicine."


A doctor and his wife were arguing in the morning during breakfast. The doctor gets up from the table and yells "And you're no good in bed either!" as he leaves the house. Later in the afternoon, the doctor realizes that he was wrong and decides to call his wife to apologize. He calls her but the phone rings for a long while before she picks it up. Irritated, the doctor says "What took you so long to answer the phone?" His wife says "I was in bed." Puzzled, the doctor asks "What were you doing in bed in the afternoon? His wife replies "Getting a second opinion."

[guardsman]

A man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist "I have three girls coming over to my place tonight and I need something to help keep me staying potent during the night." The pharmacist goes beneath the counter, brings up a pill shink-wrapped to a plain piece of cardboard marked "Extra strength Viagra" and says "Here, swallow this pill and you'll go wild for twelves hours!" The man says "I'll take three of those." The next day, the man returns and drops his pants. The pharmacists notices that the man's penis is black and blue all over with parts of skin falling off in some places. The man says "Give me some Ben Gay." Shocked, the pharmacist asks "You're not going to put Ben Gay on your penis, are you?" The man replies "No. It's for my sore arms. The girls never showed up."

[guardsman]

One night, a married couple was having an argument in bed about their bad sex life. The husband says "When you die, I'm going to buy you a tombstone that says 'Here lies my wife, cold as ever.'" His wife replies "Oh yeah? When you die, I'm going to buy you a tombstone that says 'Here lies my husband, stiff at last!' ".

[Molitor]

A little boy and his father are walking in a "hot" street. The boy sees a prostitute, and asks his father:
"Dad, what are these women doing ?
-They're selling the happiness".
The night, the little boy is sad so he goes out of house and meets a prostitute. He gives a bill to the professional, and says "Sell me some happiness, please".
The prostitute doesn't know what to do, so she brings the boy to her house and gives him three huge pieces of bread with a couch of Nutella.

When the boy gets back home, his worried father says:
"I've been looking for you all the night ! Where were you ?!
-I was with the happiness sellers, Dad."
The father is horrified. He asks what they did:
"Oh, Dad, she gave me three: the first twos were very easy, but I was fed up after that, so I just licked the third one !"

[guardsman]

...the first twos were very easy, but I was fed up after that, so I just licked the third one !"

It sounds like he already ate too many "cream" pies before licking the last one!


A man goes into a bar and orders six double wiskeys. The bartender asks him what his troubles were. The man says "I have no problems. In fact, I'm celebrating my first blowjob." The bartender says "Oh. In that case, let me pour you a seventh one 'on the house'." The man replies "No thanks. If six don't get rid of the taste from my mouth, nothing will."

[guardsman]

Two fleas are talking about how each of them spent their winter. The first flea says "I froze my ass off. I spent the winter in a biker's cold beard." The second flea says "You should do what I did. I climbed up a stewardess' skirt and spent the winter sleeping in her warm pussy." One year later, the two fleas meet again and the first flea says "I took your advice but still froze my ass off." The second flea asks "Didn't you do what I told you to do?" The first flea replies "Yeah. I climbed up a stewardess' skirt and slept in her warm pussy but when I woke up, I ended up in a biker's cold beard."

[guardsman]

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads "Free beers forever for anyone who can pass the test". The man asks the bartender about the test. The bartender tells him "There are three parts to the test. For the first part, you have to drink an entire gallon of pepper tequilla in one pass without stopping or flinching. For the second part, you have to pull out the rotten tooth of the gorilla in the backroom and for the last part you need to have sex with and completely satisfy a woman located in a room upstairs who has never had an orgasm. Complete all three parts and you get to drink beers for free forever." The man says "All of that seems impossible to do. You'd have to be out of your mind to try all of that." As time goes by, the man gets drunk, goes to the bartender and says in a slurred voice "Gimme that gallon of pepper tequilla." Amazingly, the impaired man gulps down the entire gallon of pepper tequilla without flinching. Then, he staggers into the backroom. Outside in the bar, loud thumping, screaming and grunting noises, followed by soft moan can be heard coming from the backroom. A few moments later, the man comes out with his clothes torn, covered with scratches and some blood. He then goes to the bartender and says "Tell me again... where's that woman with the rotten tooth?"

[guardsman]

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were talking about their troubled teenage children. The brunette says "I found beer in my daughter's room and I didn't know that she drinks." The redhead says "That's not so bad. I found cigarettes in my daughter's room and I didn't know that she smokes." The blonde says "My daughter is the worst."...[spoiler]"I found a condom in my daughter's room and I didn't know that she has a penis."


Let's all help keep this thread alive, peeps! If anyone has any mature jokes, please share!