Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

A man goes to a friend's house. The friend's wife answers the door. The man says "Hi, Samantha. Is Adam home?" The wife says "Hi, Tom. He's out shopping. He may be a while. Do you want to come inside and wait for him?" The man comes inside and sits down in the kitchen. The wife continues with her housework. Time passes and the man says "Samantha, I have always admired your beautiful breast. I'll give you a hundred dollars if you show me one boob." The wife thinks for a moment about the money and then unbuttons her blouse revealing one of her boobs. The man has a good look and then slaps a hundred dollars on the dining table. The man then says "I can't get enough of them. If you show me both boobs, I'll give you another hundred dollars." The wife takes off her blouse, exposing her entire breast. The man has another good look and slaps down another hundred dollars on the table. A few minutes later, the man says "Well, I really can't stay any longer waiting for Adam. Please tell him that I stopped by." and leaves. A half hour later as the husband returns home, the wife says "Honey, your friend Tom stopped by looking for you." The husband replies "Good. Did he leave you the two hundred dollars that he owes me?"

[Molitor]

A man goes meet the doctor because he suffers from hemorrhoids. The doctor proposes to him to give him a massage to relieve him. The man accepts and immediately feels much better.
A week after, the man suffers again: the hemorrhoids gives him great pain. He asks his wife to give him a massage, and precises:
"You see, honey, it's really easy. Just do like the doctor did: he put his left hand on my left shoulder, his right hand on my right shoulder, and... oh, how the f*** did he do the last step ?!"

[guardsman]

... oh, how the f*** did he do the last step ?!"

Speaking of feeling unfamiliar things in the rear....


One day, a rich blind man travels in his private jet. Close to his destination, the blind man detects that something is wrong. When he makes his way to the c0ckpit, he discovers that the pilot is dead from a heart attack. The blind man frantically radios the control tower and says "Help me! My pilot is dead, I'm blind and the plane is flying upside down!" A voice from the control tower asks "If you're blind then how do you know if the plane is flying upside down?" The blind man replies "Because the shit is running up my back!"

[guardsman]

A boy comes home from school and says to his father "Dad. I need to know the meaning of hypothetical and realistic for one of my classes." The father says "First, go ask your mother if she would sleep with another man for a million dollars." The boy goes to his mother with the question, returns to his father and says "She said yes." The father then says "Go ask your sister if she would sleep with a man for a million dollars." The boy goes to his sister, returns to his father and says "She also said yes." The father replies "Hypothetically we could be sitting on two million dollars but realistically we are living with two whores."

[guardsman]

A man goes into a tattoo parlor and says "I want a tattoo of a hundred dollar bill on my penis." Shocked, the tattoo artist says "That will take a long time and hurt a lot. Why would you want to do that?" The man replies "Three reasons - One, I like to see my money grow. Two, I like to play with my money. And three, the next time my wife wants to blow a hundred dollars she won't have to leave the house. She can do it in our bed."

[guardsman]

An old married couple was enjoying the night of their 40th wedding anniversay in bed. The wife asks her husband "What were you thinking when you saw me naked for the first time?" The husband says "I wanted to wreck your pussy and suck your tits dry." The wife asks "What are you thinking now?" The husband replies "It looks like I did a thorough job."

[guardsman]

A boy runs into the family farmhouse where his mother and grandmother are peeling potatoes. The boy yells out "Mom! The bull is f*cking one of the cows!" The grandmother gasps and grabs her chest in shock. The mother grabs the boy by the ear, drags him outside and says "Young man! You can't go around using foul language like that. Instead, you need to use better words to describe what you're seeing. For example, how about saying 'The bull is surprising one of the cows.'" Confused, the boy returns to play. Half an hour later, the boy runs into the farmhouse and shouts "Mom! The bull is surprising all of the cows at the same time." His mother says "That's not possible. How can the bull be surprising all of the cows at the same time?" The boy replies "He's f*cking the horse."

[guardsman]

One night a man grabs his wife's boobs while she is in the shower and says "If these were firmer, you wouldn't need a bra." The next night, the man grabs his wife's ass as she is getting out of the shower and says "If these were firmer, you wouldn't need a girdle." Pissed, the wife waits until her husband uses the bathroom. As he enters the shower, she grabs his penis and says "If this was bigger, I wouldn't need your brother!"


If anyone else has any mature jokes, please share and help keep this thread alive!

[guardsman]

A man meets a beautiful woman at a bar. After a few drinks, the couple goes to the woman's house. Inside the woman's bedroom, the man notices that there are three rows of shelfing as wide as the width of the wall. The bottom shelf is filled with small stuffed bears. The next shelf up has several medium sized stuffed bears and the third shelf has a few large sized stuffed bears. The man thinks to himself "She must be a collector." and proceeds to have sex with the woman. Afterwards, the man asks the woman "How was it?" The woman replies "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

[guardsman]

Three men are talking about sex with their girlfriends. The first man says "When I gently rub the back of my girlfriend's knees, she floats six inches off the bed in ecstacy." The second man says "That's nothing. When I kiss my girlfriend from head to toe and then lick the soles of her feet with my tongue, she floats twelve inches off the bed in pure ecstacy." The last man says "Hah! I got you both beat. When I'm done f*cking my girlfriend, I wipe my penis dry on her curtains and she hits the roof!"

[guardsman]

A man goes into a pharmacy to buy condoms. The female pharmacist behind the counter asks the man what size condom he wants. The man says that he is unsure. The female pharmacist holds up one finger and asks the man how big is his penis compared to her finger. The man says that he is bigger than one finger. She then holds up two fingers. The man says that he is bigger than two fingers. When the female pharmacist holds up three fingers, the man says "I am about that big." She immediately sticks the three fingers in her mouth, closes her mouth around them, then takes them out and says "You're a medium."

[guardsman]

A man goes into a bar with his pet monkey. As the man drinks, the monkey jumps around the bar, grabs some olives and eats them, grabs some sliced lime and eats them, jumps onto a pool table and swallows a cueball whole. The bartender yells at the man "Hey! Did you see what your stupid monkey just did?" He is wrecking the place and he just swallowed a whole cueball!" The man says "Yeah that little twerp will eat anything. Don't worry, I'll pay for everything." Afterwards, the man finishes his drink, pays for everything and leaves. The next week, the man returns to the bar with his monkey. This time the monkey jumps around the bar, finds a Marischino cherry, sticks it up his ass and then pulls it out and eats it. Disgusted, the bartender says to the man "Did you just see what your monkey did?" The man asks "Now what?" The bartender says "He just stuck a cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" The man replies "Yeah that wouldn't surprise me. He eats anything that he can find but ever since he swallowed that cueball, he measures everything first!"


If you enjoy jokes and would like to help keep this thread alive then please share a joke or two with the rest of the community. Thanks!

[Molitor]

[guardsman]

A man dies and goes to Heaven. There, he is greeted by an angel who tells him that he may not yet enter because he has sinned by cheating on his income taxes. The angel informs the man that the only way that he may enter is to go back to Earth and sleep with a five hundred pound butt-ugly woman for five years and enjoy it. The man decides to return to Earth and do what he must do. He has sex with a fat, ugly woman and pretends to enjoy it. One day as he is walking down the street with his new fat wife, the man sees his friend Bob with an even uglier fat woman by his side. The man asks his friend Bob about his situation and was surprised to discover that Bob had also died, returned to Earth, remarried and was having sex with an ugly, fat woman in order to attone for cheating on his income taxes. The two friends decide to hang out together and console each other for the next five years. As they all walk further down the street, the man notices another friend, George. George is accompanied by a thin, gorgeous, sexy woman. The man asks his friend George how he has come to be with such a thin, gorgeous, sexy woman while he and Bob are stuck with two fat, ugly women. His friend George replies "I don't know but I'm not complaining. Ever since I died and returned to Earth, the sex that I'm having with this little beauty is fantastic! There's just one thing I can't understand. Everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs 'Damn income taxes!'"

[guardsman]

A young man who was about to get married, asks his grandfather about sex. He asked how often he should have it. His grandfather says "When you first get married, you want it all the time and maybe even do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you'll be lucky to get it once a year on your wedding anniversary." The young man asks "What about you and grandma?" His grandfather says "Oh, we just have oral sex nowadays." The young man asks "What is oral sex?" His grandfather replies "When we go to bed, she yells 'F*ck you!' and I yell back 'F*ck you too!'"