Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

A married couple went to see their family doctor. After examining both of them, the doctor meets the husband first in private and says "I have good news and bad news." The man asks "What's the bad news?" The doctor says "The bad news is that your wife has Syphilis." Shocked, the man exclaims "Holy sh*t! What could possibly be good news?" The doctor replies "She didn't get it from you."

[guardsman]

One day, an eighty year old virgin woman gets an itch in her crotch. She goes to a doctor who examines her and tells her that she has crabs. The woman explains to the doctor that it is not possible since she is a virgin but the doctor dismisses her explanation. She then goes to another doctor for a second opinion. The second doctor examines her and also concludes that she has crabs. Desperate to relieve her itch, she goes to a third doctor. The third doctor examines her carefully and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you do not have crabs." Somewhat relieved, the woman asks "What is the bad news?" The doctor replies "Your cherry rotted. You have fruit flies!"

[guardsman]

A married couple took a vacation to an exotic foreign country. As they walked down a dirt road in a local village, a small man standing outside of his shop says "Welcome, welcome. Please come into my humble shop." Having nothing better to do, the couple enters the shop. The shop keeper says to them "I see that the two of you are a couple." The shop keeper faces the husband and says "I have a special pair of sandals that you would be interested in. They would make you wild at sex like a tiger." Upon hearing this, the wife was interested in buying the sandals but her husband who was skeptical asks "How can a pair of sandals make me a sex freak?" The shop keeper says "Why don't you try them on?" The husband was reluctant to do so, as he felt that his manhood was being threatened. After all, he didn't need them being the sexual god that he felt he was. Eventually though, he gave into his wife's badgering. As the husband slipped on the sandals, his wife could see a wild look in his eyes - Raw sexual power! Suddenly, the husband grabs the small shop keeper, throws him face down with great force onto a table and starts to tear off the man's pants. The man frantically screams "You have them on the wrong feet! You have them on the wrong feet!"

[guardsman]

Three men were comparing notes on how drunk each of them got the night before. The first man says "I was so drunk that I don't remember how I got home. When I woke up in bed, I was in a pool of sweat." The second man says "That's nothing. I was so out of my mind last night that I took a strange woman home and was having sex with her until my wife walked in." The third man says "I got you both beat. Last night I was so wasted that I was blowing chunks all night." The other two men say in unison "Big deal!" The third man replies "I don't think you guys understand. 'Chunks' is the name of my dog."

[guardsman]

A woman is in her kitchen making dinner when her young daughter walks in and asks "Mommy, where do babies come from?" After carefully thinking for a while, the woman says "Well dear, when a man and a woman fall in love, they get married, go to their bedroom and have sex. During sex, the daddy puts his penis into the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby." With a confused look on her face, the daughter asks "But when I came into your bedroom last night, I saw that daddy had his penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that, mommy?" The mother replies "Jewerly."

[guardsman]

One day as Superman was flying in the sky, he gets horny. He decides to fly over to Wonder Woman's house for some sex. As he gets near her house, he uses his x-ray vision and sees that she is already lying in her bed naked. He thinks to himself "This is great! I can zip in there, do my business and be gone before she knows it." So Superman blasts in on top of Wonder Woman, does his thing at super speed and is gone in a flash. Wonder Woman, not knowing what just happened exclaims "What in Hera's name was that?" Deadman [Invisible] replies "I don't know but suddenly my ass is sore."

[guardsman]

I'm glad that you enjoyed the last joke, Egon68. If I come across any more superhero jokes, I'll share them.


On with the show...

A woman dies and goes to Heaven. When she arrives at the pearlly gates, she hears screams of torture. She asks Saint Peter, who greets her at the gates, what is going on. Saint Peter says "Oh, that is the sound of new angels getting bigs holes drilled into their backs for their wings and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos." Shocked, the woman says "That sounds terrible. I think I'd rather go to Hell instead." Saint Peter says "In Hell, you will be constantly raped and sodomized." The woman replies "That's okay. I already have holes for that!"


If anyone else has any mature jokes, please share. Thanks!

[Molitor]

In the morning, a man phones his boss:
"Boss, I can't work today. My whole body hurts. ANy movre hurts my atrociously.
-Hey guy, it also happens to me sometimes. I just ask my wife to do a blowjob and everything gets fine. You should try it !"
Next day the man goes to work and tells his boss:
"Thanks for your advice! You've got a pretty house by the way."


A teacher asks a pupil:
"I see three birds on a tree. If I shoot one, how many birds are left ?
-Well, none because the other birds will be gone, scared by the detonation.
-No, there will be two birds left. But I like your way of thinking !"
A few days later, the same pupil ask the teacher:
"I see three women with an ice cream. The first woman licks the cream, the second one sucks the cornet and the last one eats the cornet. Which one is a married woman ?
-Well, the one who sucks the cornet, no ?
-No, it's the one with a ring. But I like your way of thinking !"

[guardsman]

A prostitue visits a doctor and complains about morning sickness. The doctor says "Congratulations. You're pregnant! Do you know who is the father?" The prostitue replies "I'll put it this way. If you ate a can of beans, would you know which bean made you fart?"

[guardsman]

A husband and wife are watching a psychologist on a TV talk show describe the phenomenom of mixed emotions. The husband says to the wife "What a bunch of bullsh*t. I'll bet that you can't tell me something that would make me both happy and sad at the same time." The wife replies "Oh really, dear? I'll have you know that among you and your friends, you have the largest penis!"

[guardsman]

Three women were talking about their husbands' performance in bed. The first woman says "I call my husband the 'dentist' because he drills me every night." The second woman says "I call my husband the 'miner' because of his long shaft." The third woman replies "I call my husband the postman because he always comes late and delivers in the wrong box!"

[guardsman]

A prisoner escapes from prison during the night after serving ten years of a life sentence. He manages to elude the guards who are searching for him and further down the road, he happens upon a house. The prisoner breaks into the house and surprises a married couple in their bed. He ties the wife to the bed and the husband to a chair at the foot of the bed. The husband watches as the prisoner gets on top of the wife, slowly inches up upon her neck, kisses her and then goes to the bathroom. The husband says to the wife "Listen, this man is dangerous. He probably spent a lot of time in prison and is desperate for a woman. I saw the way that he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't fight him. Let him have his way with you. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, my darling. I love you." The wife replies "He wasn't kissing me. He was whispering in my ear. He said that you look sexy and asked if we had any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, my darling. I love you too."

[guardsman]

An old man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist "Do you sell Viagra? I need a little help for my penis." The pharmacist answers "Yes we do, sir." The old man asks "Do you think that I can get it over the counter?" The pharmacist replies "Well, maybe if you took five or six pills at once you might."

[guardsman]

A man says to his wife "Honey, we've been partners since we got married. We shared the good times, so now there is a problem and I'm hoping that we can share that too." The wife asks "What is the problem, dear?" The man replies "We got our secretary pregnant and now she is suing us for child support."

[guardsman]

A man walks into a bar and sees a gorilla sitting on a barstool. The man asks the bartender why the gorilla is in the bar, so the bartender decides to show him. The bartender takes out a baseball bat, swings it and hits the gorilla in the back of the head. The gorilla immediately drops to the floor and gives the bartender a blow job. The bartender then asks the man "Do you want to give it a try it?" The man replies "Okay, but please don't hit me so hard."