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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Apr 12, 2016 2:59 pm

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. He explains "This is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he quickly dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most in disgust. However, being the good students that they were, the jar was passed and one by one, they each dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head and says "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."
:lol:

Please help keep this thread alive. If anyone else has any adult jokes, please share them! Thanks!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Apr 19, 2016 4:49 pm

A farmer has a henhouse full of hens but no rooster. He wants chicks so, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if the other framer has a rooster. The other farmer says "Sure, I've got this great rooster and he'll service every chicken that you've got. No problem." The rooster costs a lot but the farmer decides he'd be worth it and buys it. The farmer takes the rooster home, sets him down in the barnyard and gives him a pep talk. The farmer says with a chuckle "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here. You cost me a lot of money and I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun." The rooster seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and the rooster took off like a shot. He fμcks every hen in there two or three times. The farmer is just shocked. The rooster then runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Just like that, he fμcks all the geese. Later, the rooster goes up into the pigpen and porks the pigs then he's in the barn banging the cows. The rooster is jumping in every animal that the farmer owns. Seeing all of this the farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't survive the end of the day. The farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find the rooster dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the apparent loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says "I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Suddenly, the rooster opens one eye, nods towards the sky and whispers "Quiet. They're getting closer..."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Apr 27, 2016 1:14 pm

A manager hired a new female secretary who was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed that the manager's fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said "Sir, did you know that your barracks door was open?" The manager did not understand her remark but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. The manager decided to have some fun with his new secretary. He called her in and asked, "When you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary replies "No sir. All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue May 03, 2016 3:11 pm

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch and reflecting upon her long life when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. The old lady says "I guess I would like to be rich." In a puff of smoke, the old lady's rocking chair turns to solid gold. The old lady smiles and says, "I wouldn't mind being young and beautiful." In another puff of smoke, she turns into a beautiful young woman. The fairy godmother asks "What is your third wish?" Just then, the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. The old lady says "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome young man?" she asks. In a final puff of smoke, the cat turns into a handsome young man. The young woman stares at him, smitten, with a smile that makes her knees weak. The young man saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear "I bet you're sorry that you had me neutered!"
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue May 10, 2016 1:39 pm

A Ninety year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor noticed the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady by his side. At his follow up visit, the doctor asks "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The old man answers "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor replies "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue May 17, 2016 1:31 pm

A man walks past a bus stop and says to a hippie chick standing there wearing sandals "Can I smell your pussy?" Shocked and disgusted, the hippie chick yells "Fμck off! No, you can't smell my pussy!" The man looks slightly confused and replies "Oh. I guess that stench must be coming from your feet then."
:lol:

Please help keep this thread alive! If anyone else has any adult jokes, please share them. Thanks!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue May 24, 2016 1:52 pm

A man is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The man tells him "It's chicken wire. I'm going to catch some chickens." His neighbor says, "You fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire." Later that night, the neighbor sees the man walking down the street dragging ten chickens. The next day, the neighbor sees the man walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again, the neighbor asks the man what he is up to. The man answers that he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks. The neighbor says "You fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape." Later that night, he sees the man walking down the street dragging ten ducks behind him. The next day, the neighbor sees the man walking with something under his arm. He asks the man what it is. The man says "It's pussy willow." The neighbor replies "Hold on. Let me get my hat."
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue May 31, 2016 12:46 pm

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a "D+", the second a "D-" and the third boy an "F". The first boy tells his friends "One day we should get her for this!" The second one remarks "I agree. We'll grab her..." The third boy continues with "Yeah!" and says "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jun 07, 2016 5:09 pm

One day, a little boy was in an introductory Sex Ed class. The teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board and asks the class "Does anyone know what is this?" the little boy raised his hand and answered "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" Shocked, the teacher says "Two of them?!" The little boy replies "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to clean the inside of my mommy's mouth!"
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jun 14, 2016 9:15 pm

A woman is in a hospital bed under a coma. A nurse comes into her room to give her a sponge bath. As the nurse is washing the woman's private area, she notices that there is a response on the EKG monitor when she touches her. The nurses rushes to the woman's husband and explains what happened, saying "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring your wife out of the coma." The husband is skeptical at first but she assures him that she'll close the curtains for privacy and that it's worth a try. The husband finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes, the woman's EKG monitor flat-lines with no pulse or no heart rate. The nurse hears the Code Blue alarm and runs into the room. The husband stands there, pulling up his pants and says "I think she choked."
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Wed Jun 22, 2016 4:12 pm

The following is a public service announcement:

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of kneedeep N. Schitt Incorporated. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for ten years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt.", you can correct them!
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:22 pm

One day, a tour bus in Egypt stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists went shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch but it is broken, so he leans over to a local man who is squatted down next to his camel. The tourist asks "What time is it, sir?" The local man reaches out and softly cups the camel's balls in his hand and raises them up and down and answers "It's about 2:00PM." The tourist can't believe what he just saw and runs back to the bus to discover that it is 2:00PM. He tells a few of his fellow tourists "A local man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's balls!" When one of the doubting tourists walks to the local man and asks him the time, the same thing happens! The local man determines the correct time! The doubting tourists runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done so he walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's balls. The local man replies "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals. Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard where that clock is hanging on the wall."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jul 05, 2016 4:39 pm

On her way home back from market, a woman was carrying a female duck. A drunk staggered up to her and asked "Hey! where'd ja get the bitch?" Annoyed, the woman answered "You drunken fool! That's no bitch - It's a duck!" The drunk replies "Shaddup! I was talking to the duck."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jul 12, 2016 3:36 pm

A trumpeter is hired to play two solo music pieces in a movie. After the sessions, he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porn theater. The musician enters the theater wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porn movies, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple. The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, Sado-Masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the lead female character. The musician is immensely embarrassed, turns to the elderly couple and whispers "I wrote the musical score and I just came to hear the music." The elderly woman turns to him and replies in whisper "We just came to see our dog perform."
:lol:
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Re: Adult (18+) jokes thread

Postby guardsman » Tue Jul 19, 2016 3:03 pm

For this week only rather than a joke, let's play the guessing game:

What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about seven inches in length with little hairs on one end and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down but I am always ready for instant action when needed by my owner. When in use, I am moved back and forth and in and out a warm, moist hole. When my work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am finished. What am I? ... Why, I am your very own toothbrush! What were you thinking about, you pervert?!
:lol:
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