Adult (18+) jokes thread

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Just read this joke and I believe it's worth sharing:

My new girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship. But I'd prefer she not have one at all!

[guardsman]

A man is in a bar drinking heavily trying to drown his sorrows. A friend of his walks into the bar and notices the man. The friend walks up to him and asks "Are you all right? You look terrible." The man says "My fiancee just called me and cancelled our wedding." Shocked, his friend asks "How did that happen?" The man says "Last night, she and I were walking down a street when we both saw a dog scratching his back. I asked her whether she would do that for me after we got married. She got mad and stormed off." Confused, the friend asks "Why would she do that?" The man replies "By the time I finished speaking, the dog was licking his balls."

[guardsman]

A tom cat was frantically running around the base of a tree, getting frustrated. At the same time, a female cat was up on one of the branches meowing her head off while in heat. Another male cat walks by and says to the tom cat "What's wrong with you? Why don't you get up there and fμck her?" The tom cat replies "Have you ever tried climbing a tree with a hard on?"

[guardsman]

A young man is out on his first date with an older woman who just happens to be horny for sex. On their way to her home, the woman says "I can't wait. Let's do it in the park nearby." So the two go to the park and have passionate sex repeatedly. Eventually, the young man gets tired and tells her that he needs to walk around and have a smoke. As he walks around the park, he runs into a man who is drunk. The young man says "Listen. I have a date with a hot chick back there but she has already worn me out. If I give you a hundred dollars, will you take over for me for a while?" The drunk man agrees and disappears into the dark where the woman is waiting. A few minutes later, a park ranger bumps into the couple. The ranger shines a flashlight on them and asks "What is going on here?" The drunk man says "Oh, I'm just having sex with my wife." The park ranger asks "Can't you do that at home?" The drunk man replies "But I didn't know it was my wife until you shined that light on us!"

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Good one! Here's my share for the day, I have read it many times at many places:

I got in an elevator with a busty woman. As I stared at her boobs, she said, "Can you please press one?" So I did. After that, I don't remember much.

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Here's another one (one of my favourites):

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your <i>detective</i> touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Can your <i>detective</i> touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."

A little later, the little boy came out of the house with cookies. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Can your <i>detective</i> touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah, my <i>detective</i> can touch my ass!" The boy replied, "Then go <i>fudge</i> yourself, Grandma made these cookies only for me."

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Here's another one for today:

"I lost five pounds yesterday having sex." "No way, dude. You can't lose five pounds having sex." "You can if her husband comes home early and chases you all around the neighborhood!"

[guardsman]

...As I stared at her boobs, she said, "Can you please press one?" So I did. After that, I don't remember much.

LOL! That reminds me of a joke that I heard some years back...

A flat chested woman is feeling unwanted by men because of her small breasts. One day, the woman walks down a quiet, dark street and finds an old lamp. Curious, the woman picks up the lamp, rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie says that in return for freeing him, he will grant her one wish. Excited, the woman tells the genie that she wants her breasts to be larger so that men will no longer ignore her. The genie says "Done. From now on, whenever a man apologies to you, your breasts will grow an inch larger." The next day, the woman decides to test her magic gift. She hides behind the corner of a building and waits for a man to walk down the street. As a man walks by, she suddenly races out of the corner and bumps into him. The man straightens out his clothes and says "Excuse me, miss. I didn't see you there." As he speaks, the woman can feel her breasts tingling. As the man walks away, the woman quickly looks under her blouse and sees that her breasts have indeed grown by an inch. She thinks to herself "This is fantastic! All I have to do is bump into a few other men today and soon I'll have double D size breasts." She hides back into the corner and waits for the next man to walk down the street. Not long afterwards, another man is walking down the street. The woman waits for her target to approach and as he does, she springs out and bumps into him with such great force that she almost knocks down his hat from his head. Startled, the man fixes his hat and clothes, looks at the woman and says "Please forgive me. I am but a humble tourist to your great country. I beg of you, a thousand pardons!" The next day, the headline in the local newspaper reads "Foreign tourist killed by two torpedos!"

[guardsman]

A woman was in bed waiting for her new lover to strip down. When he did, she was shocked by the size of his enormous penis. She then jumps out of bed and frantically searches through her purse. Confused, the lover asks "What are you doing?" The woman replies "I'm looking for a pencil. I have to draw the line somewhere."

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Those jokes are quite funny, guardsman. Keep 'em coming!

Here's my share of the day:

"A recent study proved that women with large posteriors are more likely to live longer than men who mention them! "

[guardsman]

One night, a boy walks into his parents' bedroom and sees his father holding a condom. The boy asks his father "Daddy, what are you doing?" Caught by surprise and embarrassed, the father hastily says "Oh, I am looking for a mouse." Confused, the boy asks "What are you gonna do? Fμck it?"

[guardsman]

A horny old woman reads in a ladies' magazine that the bigger a man's feet are, the bigger the size of his penis. The next day, a tramp knocks on the old woman's door asking for some food and a place to stay for the night. She looks at the tramp and is repulsed by his face but notices that his shoes are the biggest that she has ever seen. She invites him into her house, feeds him, haves him take a bath and tells him to meet her in her bedroom after he is done taking the bath. When the tramp is ready to enter the old woman's bedroom, he notices that the bedroom lights have been turned off. He feels his way around, climbs into the old woman's bed and the two have sex. The next morning as the tramp leaves the old woman's house, she shouts at him "Next time, wear shoes that aren't over sized!"

[guardsman]

A man comes home at night and sees a big, nasty rat humping a cat in his front yard. The next night, the man sees the same big rat humping a dog by his doorstep. Amazed at the sight, the man picks up the rat to show to his wife. The man says to his wife "Hey, honey! You'll never believe what this rat..." Before he can finish his sentence, the wife screams "Get that fμcking sex maniac out of here!"

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

The woman at the unemployment office said she had three openings for me. "Great," I said, dropping my pants. "That's two more than my wife!"

[black]