Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

A woman was given a prescription for testosterone to help boost her low sex drive. The doctor told her that she may experience side effects of the therapy but she should be safe for the most part. Three months later, the woman returns to the doctor and tells him that she is worried about some of the side effects that she has been experiencing. The woman says "Doctor, the hormones that you prescribed have really helped me but I think that you gave me too much of a dosage. I'm starting to grow hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor says "A little hair growth is a normal side effect of testosterone therapy. Where has the hair appeared?" The woman replies "On my balls."


Happy Holidays everyone!

[Scaryfun]

Hehe, thanks for the laughs throughout the year.
Happy holidays!

[guardsman]

Hehe, thanks for the laughs throughout the year. ...

I'm glad that you and other peeps enjoy the jokes, Scaryfun. I hope that there will be many more laughs to come, from myself and other contributors, in the following year!


A woman enters a doctor's office. She is so beautiful that the doctor looses all professionalism when he see her. The doctor tells her to take off her skirt and starts to rub her thighs. He asks "Do you know what I'm doing?" The woman says "You're checking for abnormalities." The doctor then tells her to take off her shirt and bra and starts to rub her breasts. The doctor asks "Do you know what I'm doing?" The woman says "You're checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, the doctor tells the woman to take off her panties and lay on the examination table. He then gets on top of her and starts to have sex with her. He asks "Do you know what I'm doing now?" The woman replies "You're getting Herpes. That's why I'm here for an appointment to see you."

[guardsman]

An old couple living in a nursing home decide to have sex after years of flirting with each other. Anxious to go down on the old woman in bed, the old man dives straight for her crotch. A few seconds later, the old man raises his head and says "I love you my darling but the smell down there is too much." The old woman says "Oh, dear. I guess it must be the arthritis." Confused, the old man says "Arthritis in your front bottom? Also, I don't think that arthritis smells." The old woman replies "No dear, the arthritis is in my shoulders. I can't wipe my ass."

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Why Golf Is Better Than Sex: A below par performance is considered good. At work, you can have a golf calendar, tell golf jokes, and invite co-workers to golf with you and not get sued. Foursomes are encouraged. If you have trouble, it's okay to pay a professional to help your technique. If you live in Arizona, you can do it every day. No worries if videos of your performance appear on the Internet.

If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it. If your regular partner isn't available, no one objects if you golf with someone else. Nobody expects you to golf with the same partner for the rest of your life. It's much easier to find the sweet spot. No need to sneak golf magazines into the house. No worries that your golf pro might be an undercover cop. No one ever went blind golfing alone. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else. It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger. Nobody expects you to give up golf just because your partner loses interest.

There's no such thing as a golf-transmitted disease. Three times a day is possible. When you see a great golfer, you don't feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together. You can buy golf stuff with going to a sleazy shop in a bad neighborhood. You can still make money doing it as a senior. You can stop in the middle for a cheeseburger and beers. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished. Your partner doesn't care about other partners you've had. Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is golf all you think about?"

[guardsman]

Welcome to Legends World, Adeel S. Ahmed! I hope you have more mature jokes to share for the future!


Since you already got the ball rolling, I'll continue it from here...

Why is chocolate better than sex?
You can make chocolate last as long as you want to.


What's the difference between oral and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.


What do you call a prostitue with a runny nose?
Full.


What's the difference between hard and light?
You can sleep with a light on.

[guardsman]

A man goes to the doctor after having problems with his penis. After a battery of tests, the doctor tells the man "I'm sorry, you've overdone it for the last thirty years. Your penis is burnt out. You only have ten erections left in your penis." Depressed, the man walks home and tells his wife what the doctor told him. The wife says "That's terrible! We shouldn't waste those ten erections. We should make a list!" The man replies "I already made a list on my way home and your name isn't on it!"

[guardsman]

An old man goes to a doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor gives the old man a jar and says "Take this jar home, give me a sample and then come back here." The old man takes the jar and leaves. The next day, the old man returns to the doctor with the jar empty. The doctor asks "What happened?" The old man says "First, I tried with my right hand but nothing happened. I then tried with my left hand but still, nothing happened. I asked my wife for help and she tried with her right hand and then her left hand but nothing happened. She even tried with her mouth. First with her teeth in and then without her teeth but still nothing. We even asked the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." Shocked, the doctor says "You asked your neighbor?!" The old man replies "Yeah but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that fμcking jar opened!"

[Scaryfun]

nice twist.

[Shattered]

nice twist.

True, why does an old man want to know his sperm count?

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Here's another joke (or paragraph, to be precise ):

Why Sex Is Better Than School: Everybody likes sex and nobody likes school, except for virgins and that's because they haven't had sex yet. Sex sucks, moans, licks, pumps, and throbs; school just sucks. After sex, you feel like smoking a cigarette; after school, you feel like smoking something a lot stronger. You get disciplined during sex, but only if you want it. Drinking drives people to sex, whereas school drives people to drink. Sex relieves stress; school causes stress. After sex, you feel like you've accomplished something. Sex is cheaper; even paying for a hooker is still cheaper than thousands for tuition. You can choose whether or not to have sex; at school, teachers screw you regardless!

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Welcome to Legends World, Adeel S. Ahmed! I hope you have more mature jokes to share for the future!


Since you already got the ball rolling, I'll continue it from here...

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As you know, we boys exchange these mature jokes among each other, even while being underage. So, I'll not pretend here that I'm not aware of mature jokes. Plus, I'm going to be 18 this year. Does that count? [/hide]

[guardsman]

...why does an old man want to know his sperm count?

For some, it's about feeling macho. An old man would probably want to know if he "still has what it takes to do the job" -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virility

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As you know, we boys exchange these mature jokes among each other, even while being underage. So, I'll not pretend here that I'm not aware of mature jokes. Plus, I'm going to be 18 this year. Does that count? [/hide]

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In that case, Welcome to the Men's club!


I wish I was 18 again. Life was simpler for me back then.
[/hide]

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

once again, guardsman! Here's another one for today:

A plane crash left thirteen people stranded on a desert island, twelve women and a single man, Tom. Soon everyone was horny, so they worked out an arrangement: Tom would service two women each day and then he could take Sundays off. Tom thought this was a great idea but, after months of endless sex, it was apparent that he wasn't up to such "heavy lifting." One day, as he sat on the beach recuperating from his "job," he saw a boat. "Rescue!" thought Tom. But the boat crashed on the reef and one haggard man swam to shore. Still stranded, but at least Tom would have help. Tom greeted the newcomer. "Oh my God! Am I glad to see you!" The new man replied, "Oh, darling! I'm glad to see you too!" Tom moaned. "Oh, shit. There goes Sundays!"

[guardsman]

...There goes Sundays!"

That's a good one! It reminds me of a similar joke (See the third post on the first page) -> viewtopic.php?f=18&t=11593 Keep 'em coming, Adeel S. Ahmed!


And now, for this week's laugh ...

A married couple gets into bed. A few moments later, the husband rubs the wife on the shoulders and kisses her right arm. The wife turns around and says "Sorry, not tonight honey. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband rejected, then turns over and tries to sleep. A few moments later the husband turns back, taps his wife's shoulder and asks "Do you also have an appointment with the dentist tomorrow?"

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

Here's another one:

A man went to a costume party wearing only a glass jar over his penis. The hostess was taken aback. "What in the world is that?!" He answered, "I'm a fireman. Get it?" "Get what? You're wearing a glass jar." "Exactly! In case of emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can!"