Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

A construction worker on the top floor of a building under construction needed a handsaw. He sees another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but the other worker can't hear him over the work noises at the construction site. The worker on the top floor tries to use sign language to get his message across - He points to his eye meaning "I" then points to his knee meaning "Need" and finally moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion. The worker on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his penis and starts masturbating. When the worker on 5th floor sees the spectacle, he gets pissed off. He runs down to the ground floor and says to the other worker "What the fμck is your problem?! I said that I needed a hand saw!". The other worker replies "I know that! I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming!"

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

"Troy, I've got us a couple of dates for the weekend and I'll give you first choice. Sandra is kind of dumpy, not a great looker, but she gives great blow jobs. Suzie is pretty, with perfect legs and she shows them off by wearing very high heels." "Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime!"

[guardsman]

One morning in bed, a woman says to her husband "I dreamed that they were auctioning off penises. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Her husband asks "How about the ones like mine?" The wife says "Those they gave away." The husband then says "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars and the little tight ones went for two thousand dollars." The wife asks "And how much for the ones like mine?" The husband replies "It wasn't for sale - That's where they held the auction!"

[guardsman]

A man comes home from work, walks into his bedroom and finds a stranger fμcking his wife. He says, "What the hell are the two of you doing?" The wife turns to the stranger and says "See? I told you that he was stupid!"

[guardsman]

A lonely, desperate woman places an ad in the Personals section of the local newspaper which reads "Woman seeking a man who don't beat me up, run away and is good in bed." The woman receives many replies to her ad but none of the candidates are perfect for her. One day, she hears the doorbell ring, opens the door and sees a man who says "Hi. I saw your ad in the newspaper and think that I'm the right guy for you. I have no arms so, I won't beat you up and I have no legs so, I won't run away. The woman looks at him throughly and asks "What makes you think that you're any good in bed?" The man smugly replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[guardsman]

There are four categories of sex:

House Sex - Occurs when you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
Bedroom Sex - Happens after you have been married for a while. You only have sex in the bedroom.
Hall Sex - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "Fμck You!"
Courtroom Sex - When your wife and her lawyer fμck you in Divorce Court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[guardsman]

One day, a man takes a wrong turn, drives out into the middle of nowhere and gets lost. Luckily, he sees a farmhouse. He goes up to the farmhouse and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. The man is so freaked out that he continues down the road until he sees another farmhouse. He knocks on the door and asks the homeowner "What's up with your neighbors?" The homeowner replies "Oh that's the Jones, they're both deaf. She's probably telling him to go milk the cows and he's probably telling her to go fμck herself!"

[guardsman]

A teen-aged boy is walking downtown in the city and a girl softly says to him "Blowjob, five dollars". Confused, he gives her a strange look and keeps walking. A few blocks down the street, another girl does the same thing. Still confused, he keeps walking. When he returns home, the boy asks his mother "Mom? What's a blowjob?". His mother replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!"

[guardsman]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for three pitchers of beer, any brand except Schlitz. The bartender asks "What's wrong with Schlitz? Don't you like it?" The man says "I hate that shit. Last night I drank three pitchers of Schlitz, got stinking drunk and blew chunks." The bartender says "If you drink three pitchers of any beer you're going to get seriously drunk and blow chunks". The man replies "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

[Adeel S. Ahmed]

"IT'S A BOY!" I shouted. "A boy! I can't believe it! It's a BOY!" Thus ended by first visit to a Thai brothel!

[guardsman]

Two deaf people recently got married. During their first week of marriage, they discover that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using Sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and some misunderstandings, the wife creates a solution. The wife signs "Why don't we agree on some simple signals while in the bed? For example, when you want to have sex with me then reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. When you don't want to have sex with me then reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. The husband thinks that this is a great idea and replies in sign language "That's a great idea! When you want to have sex with me then reach over and pull on my penis one time. When you don't want to have sex with me then reach over and pull on my penis fifty times!"

[guardsman]

Two men are waiting at the gates of Heaven. While they wait, they strike up a conversation. The first man asks the second one "How did you die?" The second man says "I froze to death." The first man says "That's awful. How does it feel to freeze to death?" The second one answers "It's very uncomfortable at the beginning. You get the shakes and you get pains in all of your fingers and toes but eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." The second man then asks the first "How did you die?" The first one says "I had a heart attack. I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head and says "That's so ironic." Confused, the first man asks "What do you mean?" The second man replies "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!"

[guardsman]

A man walks into a bar and orders ten Tequilas. The bartender asks "What's wrong?" The man tells the bartender that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says "I'm sorry about that." A few days later, the man comes back and orders fifteen Tequilas. The bartender asks "What's wrong now?" The man tells the bartender that he found out that his older son is gay too. The bartender says that he's sorry to hear the bad news. The man returns once more a few days later and orders twenty Tequilas. Shocked, the bartender exclaims "Isn't anyone in your family getting any pussy?!" The man gets really pissed and shouts "Yeah! My wife!"

[guardsman]

One night in a bar, a man walks up to a woman and says, "Do you want to play 'Magic'?" The woman asks "What's that?" The man replies "It's when we go to my house, fμck and then you disappear."

[guardsman]

A man takes a woman to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. Afterwards, they go for a drive along the coastline. Moments later, the man pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded area. They start necking and the man gets pretty excited. When he starts to reach under her skirt, she stops him and tells him that she is a virgin and wants to remain that way. The man says "Okay. How about a blow job?" The woman screams "Yuck! I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" The man then says "How about a hand job instead?" The woman answers "I've never done that. What would I have to do?" The man tells her "Remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a soda bottle and spray your brother with it?" The woman nods her head. The man continues "Well, it's just like that." So the man pulls out his penis. The woman grabs hold of his penis and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, the man's head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he finally screams out in pain. Shocked, the woman cries out "What's wrong?!" The man replies "Take your fμcking thumb off the end!"