Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

Hi, all!

Having seen all the jokes threads in this forum, I think that an officially titled adult (18+) jokes thread should be okay since many of them seem to gravitate towards being as such. If you enjoy adult humor and have an adult joke to offer, please share it here. So without further ado, here is my first offering...

Three dogs, one black Labrador Retriever, one brown Labrador Retriever and one yellow Labrador Retriever are sitting in a veteranarian's waiting room. The black Lab turns to the brown Lab and asks "What are you here for?" The brown Lab says "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything: The family car, the furniture, the kids. I went overboard last time when I pissed in the middle of my master's bed. I'm here for a shot of Prozac. They say it cures most everything for us dogs.". The black Lab then turns to the yellow Lab and asks "What are you here for?" The yellow Lab says "I'm a digger. I dig up everything: The front yard, the back yard, the rose bushes in front of our house. I can't help it. I went over the limit last time when I dug up the family couch, tearing it to shreads. I'm also here for a shot of Prozac. What are you here for?". The black Lab says "I'm a humper. I hump everything: The pillows, the cat, the fire hydrants on the corner of our block. The last time when my master got out of the shower, I saw her bend down to pick up the soap and I got on top of her, put my paws around her sides and humped her." The yellow Lab asks "Oh. So you're here for a shot of Porzac as well?". The black Lab replies "No. I'm just here for a nail trimming."

[Scaryfun]

Hehe. Good doggie.

[guardsman]

Hehe. Good doggie.

I'm glad that you also appreciate a good joke, Scaryfun! I think that "Doggie style" is the best position with a girl but I wouldn't try it with a real dog!


Here's another gem:

A man starts a new job as a lumberjack at a remote lumbermill located 100 miles from the nearest town. The lumbermill is isolated. There are no vehicles in the lumbermill. A supply truck only comes once every three months to resupply the lumbermill with food and medicine. The lumbermill is inhabited by men only. The man is assigned a roommate at the lumberjacks' camp. During his first five days at the lumbermill, the man settles in and works hard cutting trees and moving the lumber down stream to a processing plant located at the end of the river.

On Saturday, he starts getting restless and tells his roommate "I'm horny and the nearest town with women is too far away for me to walk to back and forth. What can I do to get some action?" The roomate says "Well if you're really desperate, you can try the barrel at the far end of the camp. All of the guys use it." So the man walks all the way down to the far end of the camp and finds the barrel. Upon closer inspection of the barrel, he notices a small hole on one side down near the bottom of the barrel. Feeling particularily horny, the man takes off his pants and sticks his penis into the hole. Oddly, the inside of the barrel feels soft, moist and warm like pussy. The man has a good time humping the barrel. Later that evening, the man returns to camp and says to his roommate "Thanks for telling me about the barrel! It's fantastic! I think that I'm gonna use it every night of the week." The roommate says "You can use it every night except on Sundays." Bewildered, the man asks "Why can't I use it on Sundays?" The roommate replies "Because that's when it's your turn to be in the barrel!"

[TigerTheGreat]

Oh, f**kin' hell, LOOOOOL

A woman asks her doctor:
- Hey, doctor, is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex?
- Of course! How do you think lawyers are born?

[Scaryfun]

Good ones, heh.

[Shattered]

Found this one on the net, not 18+ but pretty good:

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[Scaryfun]

[guardsman]

...How do you think lawyers are born?

Hah! Delacroix, that reminds me of a novelty button I once saw that says "I smell s**t. Is there a lawyer here?"

... the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed ...

That's a good one, Shattered!


Your joke reminds me of a similarly set up adult (18+) joke...

One day, a man's feet were complaining to the rest of his body. One of the man's feet says "We have it bad compared to the rest of you. All day long our master shoves each of us into a tight, hot, confined box that is difficult to breath in which makes us sweaty all over. He slams the box with us inside around on a hard surface and at the end of the day when he finally lets us out, we come out stinky and ache all over!" One of the man's hands says "That's nothing. All day long our master makes us work outside for eight hours doing heavy manual labor under the hot sun. At the end of the day, we're worn out, covered with blisters and our skin is dry, cracked and bloodly. The man's penis replies "You all think that you're abused? I got you all beat. Every night, our master covers my head with a tight hood so that I can't see anything. Then suddenly, he chokes my neck up and down violently until I get sick and throw up all over inside the hood!"

[TigerTheGreat]

LOL

[guardsman]

Hey, guys and gals (And guys pretending to be gals and vice versa)! It's time for some more laughs...


A man and his friend have lunch at a diner. The man orders a big bowl of greasy, meaty chili, cheese fries and some tomato soup while his friend has a ham sandwich and a cup of coffee. The friend asks "Are you going to meet your girlfriend's parents for the first time tonight over dinner at their house?" The man says "Yes and I'm a bit nervous." The friend asks "Do you think it's such a good idea to have such a big lunch before the important dinner?" The man replies "Eh. I can handle it. Besides, I don't know how good or bad dinner will be so if I have a big lunch now I won't have to eat as much later. I'll have a legitimate excuse for eating very little just in case dinner turns out to be bad and I have to fake liking it."

Later that evening, the man goes to his girlfriend's house. As he approaches the front door, he feels a rumbling in his stomach and gas bloating in his intestines. The man thinks to himself "Oh no. I think I'm going to have a nasty attack of diarehha and blow chunks in front of everbody. If there is just someway I can release the gas inconspicuously so I won't blow chunks..." The man rings the bell, is greeted by his girlfriend and goes into the house. Inside he meets his girlfriend's father and mother. The mother tells the man "Dinner wil be ready soon. In the meantime, why don't we all go into the living room and get to know each other?" They all go into the living room and the man notices the family's old dog, named Harold, who is lying on the floor. The man thinks to himself "This is great! If I stand next to the dog and carefully release my gas, everyone will think that it's the old dog that is farting and maybe then I won't have diarehha and blow chunks." So the man stands next to the dog and releases a small fart. The mother says in a low tone: "Harold." The man thinks to himself "It's working! They think that the dog is farting!" A few moments later, the man releases a larger, slightly louder fart. The mother says in a louder voice: "Harold!" The man thinks to himself "I feel much better! Just one more fart then I'm home free!" The man releases a final loud, juicy fart. This time, the mother screams "Harold! You stupid dog! Get the f**k over here before he sh**s all over you!"

[Molitor]

A man goes to the doctor's and he says:
-Doctor, I've got a big problem about my penis...
The doctor says "Okay, please pull off your trousers, I'll see what I can do"
The guy does what doctor said. The doctor looks at the penis, and says "I've never ever seen a so small penis! But that's not a problem. What's your real problem with it?"
The guy shouts: "But don't you see that it is highly swollen?!!"

[TigerTheGreat]

A man goes to the doctor's and he says:
-Doctor, I've got a big problem about my penis...
The doctor says "Okay, please pull off your trousers, I'll see what I can do"
The guy does what doctor said. The doctor looks at the penis, and says: "What's wrong about it? Is it too small, or maybe too big?"
The guy says: "No, it's just fine."
The doctor asks then: "So maybe it's aching or you don't have erection?"
The guy says: "No, it's quite healthy, thank you, and no problems with erection."
The doctor, irritated, asks: "What the hell is wrong about it then?"
The guy winks and says: "Doesn't it look cool?"

[Mister_Headcrab]

Men... We are such...

[guardsman]

Here we go again...

A man dies and goes to Heaven. There he is given a modest room with a table, a chair, some bread, butter and water. Despite his modest accommodations, the man is content to have made it into Heaven. One day as the man is walking down a street in Heaven, he sees someone familiar to him when he was alive. It is a man whom he knew was an evil person when he was alive. The evil man has a beautiful woman in one arm and is holding a bottle of wine with his other hand. Bewildered and outraged, the man goes to one of the angels and asks "I am greatful that I have been given some bread, butter, water and a humble place to live here in Heaven but I am confused. I just saw a man whom I know was an evil person on Earth walk down the street with a beautiful woman and a bottle of wine. Why is his afterlife better than mine?" The angel replies "Not everything is as it appears. The bottle of wine has a hole in it but the woman doesn't!"



And here is a bonus joke:

Two men walk down a street and notice a dog cleaning himself by licking his own balls. One of the men says to his friend "I wish I could do that." The man's friend replies "Uh, okay. But I think that you should get to know him better first."

[Molitor]

I like the second best. Not that I've got a sexual preference for animals but I like it.

Oh, f**kin' hell, LOOOOOL
A woman asks her doctor:
- Hey, doctor, is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex?
- Of course! How do you think lawyers are born?

I've got one similar:

A woman and her child take a taxi to go to the nearest city or somewhat.
Once, the taxi goes in "hot" streets and parts of the city, where they can see sex shops, gay saunas, and prostitutes.
When the child sees the prostitutes, he asks here mother:
"Mum, what are these women doing ?"
The mother is embarrassed, so she quickly imagines something:
"Well er... they're waiting for... well, for their husband when they get back from work".
The taxi drivers listened to that and says to the child:
"Your mother is lying - these are just prostitutes".
"What's a prostitute ?" asks the child.
And the driver says:
"These are women who wait, often in the streets, for their clients. And when a prostitute gets one, his client f*ck s her and he pays her A LOT."
The child looks shocked. He doesn't say anything, but after five minutes he asks her mother:
"Mum, are these women able to have children ?"
The mother says:
"Of course! of do you think taxi drivers are born ?".