Adult (18+) jokes thread

[Molitor]

I like the last one the best

A teacher asks her pupils if they know the names of
drugs.
- "Aspirin," said one child, raising his hand.
- Well, says the teacher.
- This is for relieving headaches.
- "Camphopneumine" says a second pupil.
- Yes, very well.
- This is to cure cough.
- "Viagra" shouts another pupil.
- Yes?
- It is against diarrhea!
- No! Who told you that? asks the teacher.
- It's what my Mom says yo Dad, every night before going to sleep:
"Do not forget to take Viagra, maybe that little shit will
harden a bit? ! ...."

[guardsman]

Your joke reminds me of another joke involving a teacher and her students, Molitor. I'll share it here next week.


For this week, I have a joke that is more in line with the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. It involves a husband and a turkey. Enjoy! ...

A wife was getting tired of her husband's nasty habit of farting in their shared bed. So one early morning, she got out of the bed carefully to avoid waking up her husband, took the raw innards of a turkey that she was preparing for dinner and quietly slipped them into her husband's underwear while he was heavily sleeping. She then goes into the kitchen and prepares breakfast. Ten minutes afterwards, a loud, blood curdling scream can be heard from the bedroom. Moments later the husband enters the kitchen, his face full of sweat and eyes buldging. While gasping for breath, he cries out "Honey. You were right about my bad habit of farting in bed. This time I really did fart my guts out but by the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to shove them back in!"

[Molitor]

LO OOO OOO OOOO OO OOOO OOOOL
That makes me think to Mr Beans during Thanksgiving... his head in the turkey's *ss...


A very old man is sit alone on a bench, in a park. A young man comes there and sees the old man is crying. He asks him why:
-I'm in love with a young girl... she's 22 years old..., says the old man.
-What's the problem?
-Each morning, before going to work, we have sex. At midday, she comes back home and we have sex again. In the evening she makes me blowjob. And she does it very well...
-But where's the problem? You seem to have a perfect relation!
-I can't have sex with her anymore! shouts the old man, and he starts crying again.
-Why?
-I forgot where I live!


A teenage daughter asks her mother:
- Mom, how many kind of penises are there?
The mother, surprised, answers, watching the husband (who is about fifty years old)!
- Well, uh. my daughter, in humans, it always goes through three phases:
... At twenty years, the man's penis in erection is as hard as oak.
... Between thirty and forty years is like bamboo, flexible but reliable.
... At fifty, it becomes a Christmas tree.
Father:
- A Christmas tree?!
Mother:
- Yes, dry, with dangling balls for decoration.
Then the son asks the father:
- And women's breasts, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?
The father, already angry, replies:
- Well, my son, there are three types too.
... In twenty years, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
... Between thirty and forty, they are like pears, still nice even if their form is poor.
... After fifty years, they become like onions.
Mother:
- Onions?!
Father:
- Yes, you look at them and you cry ..

[guardsman]

... That makes me think to Mr Beans during Thanksgiving... his head in the turkey's *ss ...

I hope for his sake that the turkey was already cooked! Have you ever smelled the inside of a raw turkey? Phew! If it was not cleaned beforehand, he would have been barfing repeatedly inside it! That sort of reminds me of the sketch on Family Guy when Meg had the Mumps and Peter walks into her room wearing a heavy diver's suit - Stewie grabs the end of the suit's air hose and farts into it. Peter breaths in the fart and then throws up inside the suit's helmet repeatly.


Anywayz ...

A grade school English teacher tells her students "Class, today we will have a verbal exercise. I want each of you to say a word and use it in a sentence. We will start down the first row of students and continue down the next until we reach the end of the classroom." The first student in the first row says "Briefcase. I saw a man holding a briefcase on the street." The teacher says "Good, Michael." The next student says "Delicious. A teacher was eating a delicious apple yesterday during lunchtime." The teacher replies "Very good, Sally." The exercise continues down the classroom until the turn fell on Johnny, the class clown. Johnny begins to say "Urinate. ..." But before he can finish, the teacher yells "Johnny!". Johnny quickly replies "Urinate, but if your tits were bigger you'd be a ten."

[Molitor]

That sort of reminds me of the sketch on Family Guy when Meg had the Mumps and Peter walks into her room wearing a heavy diver's suit - Stewie grabs the end of the suit's air hose and farts into it. Peter breaths in the fart and then throws up inside the suit's helmet repeatly.

Too bad Family Guy isn't diffused (anymore) in my country. And only the five first censored seasons were released on DVDs


A man is talking to a friend about the strangest prostitutes he met:
-The last one I had sex with was working in a restaurant. She does the "pancake menu".
-What's that?
-Well, there are three offers: With the first one, she puts a pancake on your sex and she sucks it.
-And the second one?
-She puts a pancake too but there, you can add some Chantilly cream and even some fruits.
-And have you tried the last one?
-I wanted to, but when she came with a bottle of Grand Marnier and matchsticks, I thought I'd better run away!

[guardsman]

Too bad Family Guy isn't diffused (anymore) in my country. And only the five first censored seasons were released on DVDs

Cheer up! At least you can still watch full episodes of the show online from beyond season 5 as well as from the first five seasons at -> http://familyguydirect.com/

BTW - A clip of the above sketch can be seen at -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAXj5bZoWrE

... when she came with a bottle of Grand Marnier and matchsticks, I thought I'd better run away!

I'd like to try flambe pancakes in my mouth but not on my penis! I've heard good things about Grand Marnier (Orange liquor) both for cooking and for mixing drinks but I haven't had the pleasure to do so yet (I don't know of any mixed drinks that would use it). I usually use Kahlua (Coffee liquor), Vodka and milk for making White Russians or Mudslides (White Russians sans the milk). Delicious!


On with the show...

A married man with Erectile Dysfunction goes to a doctor who examines him and prescribes Viagra. The doctor tells the man to take one pill one hour before having sex. The man gets the prescription filled at the pharmacy, returns home, takes one pill and then waits for his wife who is expected to return home within the hour. Fifteen minutes later as his erection is building up, his wife calls home and tells the man that she is working late and won't return home until two hours later. The man panicks and calls the doctor. He explains to the doctor that he took one pill but that by the time his wife returns, the effects of the pill would have worn off. The doctor says "It's a shame to waste such a wonderful and expensive pill. Do you have a maid that can service you instead?" The man replies "I do. But whenever I have sex with the maid, I don't need Viagra!"

[guardsman]

Here we go again with those "curious" kids! ...

During the evening, a curious boy enters the bathroom while his mother is taking a shower. He notices her pubic hairs, points at them and asks "Mommy, what is that?" Caught by surprise, his mother thinks quickly and says "Oh dear, that's my brush. I use it to clean myself." Satisfied with the answer, the boy leaves. The next evening, the boy enters the bathroom as his mother is preparing to take her shower. The boy says "Mommy, our neighbor Mrs. Smith has a brush just like yours!" His mother asks "What do you mean dear?" The boy replies "Last night, I went next door to our neighbor's house, looked through their bathroom window and saw Mrs. Smith washing Mr. Smith's face with her brush!"

[Molitor]

One day, a farmer buys a automatic milking machine. After testing it on his cows, he decides to try it with his penis.
He puts the suction hose on his sex and sets the level to "10". And here... he realizes that the suction hose gives him fabulous sensations...
After one hour, he wants to take it off because his wife is coming. But when he take it off... it blocks!
The farmer tries many times, pushes all the buttons of the machine... without success.
Finally, he calls the after-sales service and there, he contacts a technician.
"-The milk machine is very powerful, but... how do I take it off the cow ?
-Don't worry, it automatically shuts down after extracting ten liters!"

[guardsman]

...it automatically shuts down after extracting ten liters!"

That farmer better start drinking gallons of water or he'll be sucked dry to death!


One day, Tarzan and Jane were sitting in the woods together and Jane asked Tarzan whether he knew anything about sex. Tarzan says "What sex?" Jane tries to explain about sex to him. Tarzan answers "Oh... Tarzan use hole in tree trunk." Jane takes off her clothes and says "You have it all wrong. Let me show you the proper way to have sex. Come here and put your penis inside here." Tarzan takes off his clothes and walks towards Jane. As he reaches her, he kicks her real hard in the crotch. Jane rolls down on the ground in incredible pain, gasps for air and after a few moments screams "Why did you do that?" Tarzan replies "Tarzan check for bees!"

[guardsman]

Three friends, who just became new brides, stayed in the same hotel on their honeymoon. The next morning, all three met in the hotel's cafe at breakfast to gleefully discuss the honeymoon sex that they had the night before. The first woman says "Last night was magical. My husband put his entire hands in me last night." The second woman says "That's good but last night, my husband put his whole arms in me." The third woman, still looking dazed from last night, looks down at her crotch and replies "Hey honey, come out and meet the girls!"


On a more jovial note...

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! And may the New Year be filled with happiness and joy for you!

[Molitor]

A little old man goes into a whorehouse to offer a little fun.
The boss takes him to a pretty girl, ready for anything.
Confident, the girl says:
"Man, Take off your clothes and let's get serious! '
The little old man undresses quickly, but the girl takes her all her clothes and throws them out the window.
"What are you doing here, you dirty whore!"
"Don't about it old man... we'll have sex all night and in the morning your clothes will be too big for you!"
The girl undresses in turn. In turn, the little old man takes the lady's clothes and throws them out the window.
"What are you doing here? Are you trying to get revenge? '
"Not at all... but time will it take for me to have an erection, fashion will surely change!"

[guardsman]

An old woman walks down the halls of a nursing home. As she walks, she lifts up her nightgown and says "Supersex! Supersex!". She walks up to an old man in a wheelchair, lifts up her nightgown and says again "Supersex! Supersex!" The old man takes a hard look at her naked body, sits silently for a moment and then replies "I'll take the soup."

[guardsman]

A woman goes to a doctor and asks the doctor if there is anything that she could do make her husband more sexually active with her. The doctor gives the woman a bottle of pills and says "Have your husband take one of these pills each day and you'll notice a difference." The next day, the woman drops one of the pills into her husband's cup of coffee. At night in bed, the husband "feels up" his wife but nothing else happens. Disappointed at the results, the woman takes all the pills and puts them into her husband's coffee the following day. Three months later, the doctor calls the woman's home. The woman's son answers the phone. The doctor asks "Can I speak with your mother? I want to know how well the pills that I gave her worked." The son replies "Mom is dead. My sister is pregnant. My ass hurts and dad is out in the yard chasing the dog with some KY Jelly!"

[guardsman]

One rainy, foggy night, a taxi cab driver sees an arm with a waving hand signaling him to pull over. The cab driver cannot make out the entire person's features but stops to pick up the passenger. When the person gets in the back, the shocked cab driver notices that it is a naked woman who is dripping wet from the rain. The woman notices the cab driver staring at her and yells, "What are you looking at? Just drive." The cab driver says "I would love to ma'am but seeing as how you are naked, how will you be paying the fare?" The woman suddenly spreads up her legs and drops her feet on top of the front seat and asks "What do you think? Is this enough?" The cab driver takes one look at her private parts and replies "Do you have anything smaller?"

[guardsman]

A man dies and goes to Hell. There the Devil tells him "I will show you some rooms. Whichever room you choose, the person inside will switch places with you and go into another room of their choosing." In the first room that the Devil shows him, there is someone tied up on a wall while being whipped. In the second room, someone is tied up to a post while being slowly burned by a torch. Inside a third room, there is a naked woman giving a blow job to a man. "I choose this room!" exclaims the man. The Devil goes over to the woman, taps her on the shoulder and says "You can leave this room now, I've found your replacement."


If anyone else has any mature jokes, please share them!