Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

Three men out on safari were caught by a tribe of ferocious natives. The chief tells them "You will all die in a manner reflecting what you did for living on earth." The chief turns to the first man and asks "What did you do?" The first man says "I was a surgeon." The chief tells him "You will die by having your penis amputated." The chief turns to the second man and asks him the same question. The second man says "I was a fireman." The chief decrees "You will die by having your penis burnt off." The chief then turns to the last man and asks "And you?" The third man smiles and replies "Oh, I was a lollipop man at the carnival."


~Happy Holidays!~

[Scaryfun]

Happy holidays to you as well.

[guardsman]

An inventor goes into a bank to visit one of the loan officers. The inventor explains that he needs some financial backing for his latest invention. The inventor had created a special chemical substance that when sprayed lightly over a woman's pussy, would give it a peaches and cream flavor. The loan officer thinks for a while then shakes his head in disagreement and says "No. That's not good but if you could create a chemical substance that when sprayed on peaches and cream, would make it taste like pussy, then you're onto a sure winner and I'd invest in your company myself!"


-=[ Happy New Year! ]=-

[guardsman]

To avoid being called up for active duty in the army, two friends pulled out most of their teeth before going in for their medical examination. On the day of their physical, there were just three men at the army doctor's office – The two friends and a dirty bum. The first friend stood before the doctor and told him he had lost most of his teeth. The doctor put his finger in the first friend's mouth, ran it around both gums and agreed that the first friend was not fit for active service. Next, the doctor then turned to the dirty bum who told him that he had very painful hemorrhoids. The doctor says, "Drop your pants and turn round so that I can examine you." The dirty bum did as he was told and the doctor stuck his finger up the man's ass and felt around. The doctor says "Hmm, they are bad. You're not fit for active service as well." The doctor then turns to the second friend and asks "What's wrong with you?" The second friend looks at the doctor's finger, shakes his head and replies "Nothing. Nothing at all, doc."

[guardsman]

A woman walks into her daughter's bedroom to find her daughter in tears. When the mother asks what is wrong, her daughter sobs "Oh mom. It's so unfair. Yesterday, my boyfriend said he'd buy me a diamond ring if I stayed the night with him. So I did, but all he bought was a cheap piece of shit." The mom replies "Honey, always remember what I am about to say and you won't fall into this trap again: "When they’re hard they’re soft and when they’re soft, they’re hard."

[guardsman]

A new colonel had just arrived at a remote base. It was his first assignment abroad and he was determined to make a name for himself. The colonel tells his second in command, a major, "I want to take a complete tour of the base." For the next hour, the colonel inspected every part of the base, eventually arriving at a small shed. The colonel asks in a commanding tone, "What’s in there?" The major answers "A camel, Sir." The major then explains to the colonel that because the base was so remote, the men would sometimes get sexually frustrated and then they’d use the camel. The colonel says "That's disgusting! Get rid of it immediately. That is an order!" Three months later the colonel was sorely missing the fairer sex, so he swallowed his pride and asked if the camel had been removed from camp. The major says "I'm sorry, Sir. It is in fact still here." Hearing that, the colonel goes into to the shed, drops his pants, gets behind the camel and fμcks it hard. When he was finished, he pants to the major, "There. Is that what the men do?" Shocked, the major replies "No, Sir. The men ride the camel to the nearest whorehouse."

[guardsman]

One day, two little old ladies visit the zoo and end up watching the elephants. One of the old ladies wanders close to the fence and sees, not more than a few inches away, the elephant's balls. Unable to control herself, she reaches out and squeezes them. All of a sudden, the elephant roars loudly, stampedes through the fence and disappears into the park area of the zoo. The zoo keeper runs up to the old ladies and asks them what happened. After the old ladies explain, the zoo keeper faces the same direction where the elephant ran, drops his pants and says "You'd better squeeze mine in the same way. I've got to catch him."

[oldman]

[guardsman]

I'm glad that you're enjoying the jokes, oldman!


On with this week's joke...

A millionaire tells the architect designing his new house: "Listen very carefully. Whatever you do, I don’t want that tree over there disturbed. It brings back fond memories for me." The architect asks "Why is that?" The millionaire says "That’s where I had sex for the first time. Also, don't touch the old tree across from it either. That's where her mother was standing and watching us while we were doing it." Shocked, the architect exclaims "You were humping her daughter and she was watching?! What did she say?" The millionaire replies "Baaa! Baaa!"

[guardsman]

A manager called one of his workers into his office and says "Listen carefully. You're going to have to get your act together or I'm going to have to fire you. For the past few weeks you've been constantly late, you’ve made stupid mistakes and you've been nasty to your fellow workers. What do you have to say for yourself?" The worker answers "I'm sorry, sir. Things aren't right between me and my wife and I'm very worried." The manager, being a kindly man, tells the worker "That's the thing about wives. You've got to show them that you don't take them for granted. Look at me - When I get home, I give my wife a long, lingering kiss, give her a small present and then have mad, passionate sex with her. I'll give you the afternoon off, so why don't you do the same thing?" Impressed by his manager's words, the worker replies "Wow, I don't know what to say. Thank you very much. By the way, what's your address?"

[jennieslade]

http://pzy.be/v/2/Amy+Pond+Attack+Of+Th ... +Penis.jpg

[guardsman]

Thanks for your contribution, jennieslade. We actually have a thread for funny pics -> viewtopic.php?f=18&t=4572 When you have the chance, check it out!


Now for my contribution for this week...

A man finds an old lamp on the beach and as he picks it up, a genie appears. The genie asks him "You may have one wish. What would you like?" After thinking for a moment, the man says "I've always been a bit lacking down there. Do you think I could have a bigger penis?" The genie tells him "Your wish is granted. It will begin as soon as we part ways." The man walks on and as the time goes by, he realizes that his penis was getting longer and longer: Down to the knees, down to the ankles, ... Worried, the man ran back up the beach to find the genie. When he finds the genie, he says "Excuse me. Could I please have another wish?" The genie asks "What is it?" The man replies "Do you think you could give me longer legs?"

[guardsman]

A little boy rushes into his family's house to see his father and cries out "Daddy, daddy! Please come and look - My pussy cat is lying in the garden with her feet in the air and she won't move." The father goes into the garden to take a look. When he returns, he somberly says "I'm sorry, son. I'm afraid that your cat is dead." The little boy asks through his tears why the cat's feet were sticking up in the air. Thinking quickly, the father answers, "That's so an angel can grab a hold of them and take her up to heaven." A few days later, the father comes home from work to find his son crying in the garden. He asks "What happened, son?" The boy tells him "It's mommy - She nearly died today, like my poor pussy cat!" Shocked, the father asks "How can that be?" The boy replies "I went upstairs to you and mommy's bedroom and mommy was in bed with her feet in the air screaming 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' Oh daddy, if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down, she would have been taken up to heaven by an angel!"

[guardsman]

A woman goes into the local passport agency to apply for a passport. When asked by a clerk to provide her occupation on the passport application form, the woman answers "I'm a prostitute." The clerk exclaims "Oh, no. You can't put that." The woman then suggests "How about if I write down 'Brothel worker'?" The clerk says "No. That’s no good either." After thinking for a moment, the woman says "Put me down as a 'Poultry raiser'." Confused, the clerk asks "What?" The woman replies "Well, I did raise over five hundred c0cks last year!"

[guardsman]

One day in a farm, a woman asks her young son whether he had done his chores. Her son answers "Not yet, ma." The mother tells him that he will get no breakfast until he does his chores. Reluctantly, the boy goes to feed the chickens. To vent his anger, he kicks a chicken. Still pissed off, the boy goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. While still in a foul mood, he goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig. When done, the boy goes back into the farm house for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of cold dry cereal. Surprised, the boy exclaims "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? And why don't I have any milk on my cereal?" The mother says "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." As the mother finishes scolding her son, the father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says "Are you going to tell him or should I?"